how's your week going, Beehaw

busy as always

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I'm feeling the need to do a social media detox, including Beehaw. Pro-AI techbros are getting me down.
Shockingly, keeping Instagram active. My feed there is nothing but frogs, greyhounds, and art from local artists, and detoxing from stuff that is improving my mood rather than making it worse seems unnecessary.
- understandable tech bros are the worst. Enjoy your frog pictures!
- Conversely, I'm annoyed by anti-AI nontechbros
- This is one thing I noticed as well. I only have my Instagram profile to check on others but whenever the algorithm feeds me something it is always cute animals.

echo (border collie) passed her community canine test last thursday. 🎓 pics in a separate post when we get our certificate later this week. also got to meet one of the other foster dogs (buck, pictured below) in our program, and he is a beautiful dog. very driven and toy-motivated. gonna make a nice sport dog for someone.

rode to the other town over on greenways on saturday (~50 miles) with a couple of folks, then met up with some friends for dinner/drinks. took the train back home; it was all pretty chill.
finally hung a bunch of the artwork in the house over the weekend. feeling much more homey now.
heading to the beach this weekend, which i'm looking forward to. it'll be echo's first time there! 🏖️

welp, time to explain why I don't have a desktop after my post two weeks ago that I had to put new parts in.
the short version is that the motherboard's AMD bracket was covered mostly by a plastic piece that said "REMOVE" so I did that, but it wasn't clear that I was supposed to put it back on. ultimately when I kept trying to put things together and they didn't work, some of the motherboard's CPU pins got crushed, and now I have to hope I can get another. I'm trying to return it to amazon and use the money for a second one, but we'll see how that goes. the CPU itself might be damaged too, it's not clear, and I have no way of testing it without the motherboard. I feel really dumb for not knowing that the bracket was supposed to go there. and I can't just buy a new one right now because being on disability sucks.
originally I thought it had been the RAM since I was told the motherboard was finnicky with it, but I had to take two sets of it back after I found out it was the motherboard. thankfully my cousin looked at it and is willing to put things together for me again. it's just waiting on amazon is killing me. I spend a lot of time at my desktop (especially because it's going to be over 90 degrees here for a while) and my laptop is a low end gaming one from 6 years ago. it can't run much, including my favorite game, although I can play it for very short periods of time. I broke out my nintendo switch to play, but that's not helping the depression too much.
some issues with my partner popped up, as well as some with my mother, and I just don't feel great. been trying to do what I can for that (like making some posts here) but it's a battle and I wish I didn't have to have it. I hope the week improves but I'm just tired already.
- It sucks when life feels like a smash mouth song and the hits don't stop coming. Hope you can fix your mobo/cpu problem without spending any extra money. Sounds like things are tough right now, I hope your week improves too :)

Think I'm getting the hang of a shift in dietary stuff. Feeling less overwhelmed after a few weeks of mental chaos. Little more glass half full.

My week is going fine
Stardew addiction go brr
Exma week but its fine

My week is going good. I loaned two books at the library yesterday. I am going to my grandmother and grandfather this weekend to celebrate my grandmother's birthday. Furthermore, I might get the result of my last exam on Friday.

Not bad - chuffed to bits that my daughter got a 'First with honours' in English and Creative Writing. No idea what that means* apart from it's an excellent result.
*I left school at 15, before taking all my exams so that I could start work in a factory. So very proud of her ;-) Her substack is here
- Suspect your daughter may be downplaying things a bit here...
  She got the top result possible. Students who achieve First with honours (sometimes written as 1:1) have to be even better than excellent across their entire degree.
  Some years nobody on a particular course will do this well, because it is reserved for the exceptional.
  
  Holy cow!
  That's even better than I thought. Even prouder of her now.
  Thank you

Miserable. I'm moving but I can't get off the hook for my last two rent payments. Combined with rent at my new place, they're going to destroy my savings account. Plus I owe $900 for a urine test. Also I accidentally left my adderall in the car for several 90°F days and I swear I cooked it, it's not working. So I have to pay for that, too.
I've technically had good times! I've been more social than usual, invited coworkers out and I guess had fun? But all I can ever think about is money and moving.
ETA also honestly the way my family and friends talk about me is getting to me. I try not to make it my whole deal but I do have some psychological issues. Mostly some trauma-related disorders but also a couple minor learning disabilities. My psych thinks I'm autistic but I didn't want to pursue a diagnosis since there aren't any reasonable sensory accommodations for my job.
But my family has flat-out told me that I can't have any of those things, I'm "the good one". They self dx with all those things to explain why they can't keep jobs or be independent. I have a job and am independent and it hurts their egos, so they tell me I don't have the things I've been in treatment for for years.
My friends do a weird thing where they try to self deprecate but dismiss my problems in the process. I attempted to open up about some heavy stuff once (I thought it was appropriate given the tone of the conversation), and my friend immediately started saying how much worse a person he is and how I must hate him because I'm dealing with my suicidal feelings so much better.
He also tried to self deprecate by saying that it's not fair that his mental illness makes him a bad person, but mine makes me a good person??
I feel so guilty because I'm honestly spiraling but everyone keeps telling me I'm not. I can't, because it makes them look worse.
- I feel so guilty because I'm honestly spiraling but everyone keeps telling me I'm not. I can't, because it makes them look worse.
  I don't even know where to begin.
  Going through difficult times is not a weapon in a dick-measuring contest to determine who's owed the most pity. Downplaying somebody else's problems in order to make one's own problems seem more important is not something a friend* does, period.
  \ But then again, those people may just be unable to imagine you holding yourself together so well if you really had all those problems you describe. That's still no excuse though, a real friend should listen to you and believe you.
  I think what (some of) your 'friends' are doing is reminiscent of crab mentality. That's the mechanism that makes sure you're being gifted a never-ending supply of chocolate and junk food as soon as people notice you've successfully lost weight, or alcoholics insisting that their dry friend has just one small beer with them for old times' sake.
  \ One of the foundations of crab mentality is the assumption that life is a zero-sum game and/or desired resources are scarce, i.e. if you get more sympathy/attention then somebody else will get less.
  I'm not saying you should do this - that would require some hefty assumptions about you and your life - but one of the best things I've ever done is ranking all my friends and family by the degree to which they've made my life better or dragged me down over the years, balanced scorecard-style. It sounds heartless but with some people was a real eye-opener for me.
  Either way, surround yourself with people that give something back. If that means losing some 'friends', then so be it. A handful of real friends will get you much further than hordes of false ones.
  ( * I'm including family members here, though they can generally get away with much more BS than a friend just because they're family.)
  
  Thank you, this is really kind. Logically, I know it's true that demeaning and comparing other people's experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it's hard to really believe it.
  I think ranking the impact people have had in my life is probably a good idea, but it'd take me some time to figure out how to quantify that.
- That's… I would find maturer friends. I can't believe that's what their reaction is to your difficulties.
  
  Tbh it's mainly one friend, it just took me way too long to realize that it wasn't normal to be talked to that way because everyone else treats it as normal. They used to swoop in to comfort him before I talked to them about it.
  It's just hard to pull back because we've been so enmeshed for almost a decade now 🙁

I feel kind of bad.
I really don't like killing things, but ants have literally invaded my home, so I've had to do something.
Sprinkled some diatomaceous earth today. Watching a few stragglers just kind of meandering and basically not knowing what the fuck to do while they dehydrate and succumb to death has depressed me a little.
On a basic level, the way it works, it's just cruel. Yeah, they're not "sentient", they're mostly drones, etc., but still. Seeing this lonely ant kind of just... slowly dying and not knowing what to do is a bit heartbreaking.
- i know how ya feel, but sometimes you gotta look out for you!
- That's rough... I always find death (in all forms) really heartbreaking to witness too. You had to do it, but that doesn't always make it easier.
- I've had ant infestations in my bedroom window. I understand completely how you feel, it is awful indeed.

I finished my honours thesis and I've honestly been feeling kind of... bad about it? Bit weird. Work's been super hectic too!
BUT I also booked flights to Canada to see my sister, which is really exciting so things are looking good.

Work still sucks, haven't found another job, but we're supposedly getting acquired by a larger company and that's going to trigger a restricted stock unit payout. I've been here for a while so maybe I'll get a nice chunk of change out of this debacle before I get fired.

Started Orff Level III today! Which probably means nothing to any of you, but it's a really great course for music teachers.
- What's Orff? That sounds exciting!
  
  Basically it's an approach to teaching music with a heavy focus on giving students the building blocks they need to have a creative relationship with music. It comes from the idea that music is inherently in all of us and that everyone has something valuable to offer. As teachers our job is to give students the tools and vocabulary to communicate it.

Idk. I was feeling very bad recently but some great people helped me a lot so now I feel better but idk if this improvement will last for more than a few days (usually it doesn't). I'm really depressed because of the state of the society
- Keep spending time with these people! In some ways the state of society certainly does suck, but finding our people who go against that grain has the potential to make things better. At the very least, we can make some things better in the small ways we can, and that's still something important.
  
  I agree but seeing 2/3 or even more people act not good and everything getting worse every year has a stronger impact on me than seeing and interacting with great people. I guess it's a pretty uncommon thing. I also have personal issues that are really serious and I can't even talk about it because it's very intimate. And smh every time I say I feel better, I feel worse again in a few hours. Very supernatural looking this one.

mmmmmmmmmmgh,
term paper,,,,

Pretty great actually. On my first relaxation vacation with no specific agenda in several years. The beach is gorgeous, the breeze is cool and the drinks are flowing. Life can be good, sometimes anyway. Trying not to think about the work stacking up that will be waiting for me on my return.

So I thought I was good to start a new job (though I've yet to set a start date), as the HR person assigned me said it was all good about a month ago, but then today he me tells me there was "a problem" with my drug test. A drug test I took 3 months ago. So I need to take another.
While I've only taken a few drug tests for employment during my career, they've never taken 3 months to get results. Like 2 weeks at most. Something tells me my HR person screwed up (which isn't surprising), got this notice a couple month ago, yet just now noticed this. Hate to say it, but typical government. The irony is that I'll soon be a govt worker. If we can get this straightened out.
On a more positive note, I just paid off one more student loan! After 19yrs of paying and thousands of dollars in interest on this one -- more than the principle at this point -- it's finally done. I had to get a hefty loan from my parents, but their terms are much better: 0% APR at the Bank of Mom & Dad versus the current variable 10.02% APR with the bank. Though I still have lots more students loans to go. Such a shitty, shitty system. At least I'm lucky enough my parents can help in this manner.
Stay in school, kids. But only if you don't fuck it all up like I did. I may be paying student loans til I die.

It is going alright I have been testing some stuff on linux.

Ehh, surviving. It's not bad but I feel like I should be doing better.
The toll of family drama/finances is getting to me and I've found myself spiraling into old habits. I keep reminding myself to not let it get to me. I'm hoping to move out and get an apartment near my university but... Well, of course it's easier said than done.
I know that being a full-time student is like a full-time job, but I'm considering getting two part-time jobs just to save up. But with my two other extracurriculars, keeping up my social life, and sleep— yeah, I'll burn out at this rate.
I just feel like there's so much at stake, in both the short term and long term future, that I can't sacrifice anything. I'm scared of getting something 'wrong,' but I know that no action is the worst action to take right now.
So that's my long explanation as to why I shouldn't be procrastinating and how I'm struggling with procrastination.
I dunno. Any tips on how to change my environment up a bit to keep my focus? Or something to keep me sane. So far the only safe space I have is my own room. ._.
(Driving is not really an option since I'm still practicing.)
Ah, I am planning on baking a tres leches cake though over the weekend. It's something to shake things up.
- but I feel like I should be doing better.
  I have these kinds of thoughts often. but it's not a good way to think about things, as in, at least it's always been damaging to me. you shouldn't invalidate your own feelings. if you're not doing "better," that's okay. you don't have to be perfect just because nothing catastrophic happened. or because you feel like if you pushed yourself harder things would be significantly better.
  procrastination is never for no reason, and as you said, you feel like a lot is at stake. you have a lot going on! and unfortunately, no one has instructions that will make the nebulous "don't get it wrong" voice go away. it sucks. I know that feeling, and I empathize.
  what's helped me is to sit down, preferably with someone I trust and who respects my emotions, and make a little "plan." not a full one where I have x, y, and z plus an emergency one, but just something that will make me feel like the world isn't going to crash down around me at any moment. for example, I had to sort out with my partner what we would do if amazon rejected a return I made because money is tight. even just knowing the future isn't a mysterious void had helped me.
  additionally, my only safe space is also my room where I live. I don't know what your living space looks like, but things that have helped me is buying something small to decorate it and make it feel more like my own, possibly getting a small living plant (I have aloe and haworthia, they're very easy to take care of and it sparks a little joy when I see them growing), or even just tidying up a bit, or moving things around so that they're not in the exact same place. when I feel claustrophobic and confined to my room, I try to go on walks (weather permitting!) to remind myself there is space that is safe outside of the house. listening to music or podcasts helps me too, if that's something you also like. I try for at least twice a week and find myself walking more than expected because it's nice to have that break.
  I wish you good luck on the cake! and apologies if none of this helps. I just feel like our situations have some things in common and wanted to reach out with what solutions I have for myself.
  I hope things get easier for you soon!

Damn, Lyle Lovett is good. I might have been the youngest person in the audience, and I'm not that young. Glad I was able to be there!

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