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  • Last weekend I finally had my hormones in order after more than two decades of dissociation and discomfort.

    It was like I woke up and the descriptions suddenly had a vividness, like someone upped the gain on my qualia. It's hard to believe that this is what most of you feel every day. It's such a privilege.

    I just kept smelling my spices and enjoying the view outside, and the feeling of cold air on my lungs was amazing. And I could finally just feel OK and relax. The creepiest sensation was being deeply connected to my body and the fear of death it gave me. It's visceral. How do you guys even deal with this?

    • Congratulations! I'm so happy for you 💕

      Just vibe with how incredible it is to be you; it's quality over quantity in my view. I deal with it by trying to be the best me I can be and celebrating the brief time I have.

      • Thanks a lot!

        When all this stuff is sorted and straightened out I'm gonna make a move on that wood burning project we started ⭐

  • Welp. I got into my design program. It was roughly a 50% chance of getting in so I'm glad. It's just bittersweet since half of my class isn't in the BFA.

    Honestly thought I'd feel more happy about it, but I guess it's hard when you've exhausted yourself... So now that spring break is happening, I'm giving myself a couple days to unwind and then I'll start moving ahead with work.

    Also trying a dating app. Which sucks. We'll see if it ends up being a good or bad thing. But for now... I don't think I'm going to engage in it that much. Feels weird.

  • It's going okay. Tuesday was very difficult for me due to some sad dreams that just set the course for the rest of my morning. I'm very lucky to work a job where I'm able to take off if I need a mental health day, so I took advantage of that at wife's insistence. Yesterday was better, and today is "fine" so I'm just looking forward to the weekend now. Haven't worked out this week so I'm going to make sure to do something today, but the after-work walks with wife help get us moving and transition into a calmer evening, so it's not a total wash, exercise-wise. The plan for today is listen to music that makes me happy, drink more water, no alcohol, and carry on.

  • Power's been out since Saturday evening, and we're one of three houses on our street that don't have a whole-house hookup for our generator (my whole life is currently genny whine). Spent the last few days admiring and appreciating how our little neighborhood (19 houses) in the woods comes together for mutual aid so seamlessly. Our next door neighbor and I went out the night of the storm to clear debris from the road so folks could get out for any emergency supplies and so the crews could get in quicker, as well as to report any hazards on the lines. Everybody's been checking on everybody to make sure needs are met.

    I had reached out to some friends last week, looking for some pretty specific plants and offering some of our plants in trade, and were able to find a few of what we were looking for. One source surprised us, and hit me right in the feels. Apparently a friend of a friend does maintenance in Ganny's Garden, part of the Kennebunkport conservation trust and Barbara Bush's memorial garden, and she's offered us plants from when they do their early season thinnings. The punk in me is excited to knick some plants from the Bush's, but the quiet bookworm in me remembers a childhood trip to the Wells library with my grandmother where Barbara showed up unexpectedly, read to us, and handed out books left and right. It feels incredible to have the opportunity to literally plant that memory with my grandmother in the garden this year.

  • 4 day weekend! Company is closed today for Good Friday (Easter is on Sunday). And then I'm taking Monday off because why not?

    My work is doing an NCAA college basketball bracket tournament. I'm currently No. 2, but there's a good chance I can reclaim that top spot again. As long as I'm top 3, I get a little bit of prize money. All off of 10min of picking my bracket! ...and admittedly knowing a little bit about college basketball.

    With my job offer -- that I received 9 months ago -- they finally got around to scheduling my drug test, which I did on Wednesday. Still waiting to hear back about my background check stuff. It's with the government and requires a clearance, so it's taking forever. I did check in with my contacts last week; all they said was that things are still under review. I will say it's very hard at times to keep motivated in my current job for this long. At least my current employer is aware of this job offer and also understanding and supportive, so that takes some pressure off of me. Not everyone knows, but I'm not having to hide it from the people who need to know (which I did for almost 6mo). Still, it's still a weird limbo to be in.

    Otherwise, it's still pretty chill.

  • Went to a bunch of shows last weekend. Of note, Saturday night was amazing, I got to see 2 good friends DJ at one venue and then when they finished we made our way out to the forest rave to see another friend spin. A recent first date (three days prior) mentioned they didn't get out enough so I invited them to come, and despite having never been to a rave they showed up! We ended up staying at the forest all night long. It's the first time in years I've truly pulled an all nighter on purpose and not due to bad insomnia and it was wonderful and magical in all the right ways. I'm not certain whether it left me sick (I was feeling worse yesterday) or my body is just still recovering, but it was completely worth it.

  • Tired week, but a good week. Spending a lot of time on my 3d printer and having fun with it and printing stuff as gifts and upgrades.

    Plus I got an interview for a potential QA position at a new VR company tomorrow!

  • Been taking a ton of notes about information systems. Trying to make my work do information systems better

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