1y ago

How do you accept the things you cannot change?

trying to stop being so thin skinned:

I had an online discussion with a random, we had a short but intense exchange until he replied and then blocked me, robbing me of a chance to reply.

I feel hurt because I couldn't reply. To me that means he won. I feel insulted and angry.

Yes, this is something I should talk to about with a shrink, but the therapist I contacted hasn't replied yet, so I might have to start looking for a new one if this one ain't reliable.

In the meantime I turn to the second best thing I can think of: this channel.

I can try to rationalize it: I cannot change it, I'm letting that guy live free in my mind, letting it go is the rational thing to do.

Except that here I'm not being rational, but emotional and I don't know why this triggers me so much.

Not getting the last word triggers me. How would you solve this?

21 comments

Stop caring what other people think. Within reason of course, no need to go full psychopath. 😆 They don't really care what you think so why waste the energy and time? Save it for people who demonstrably give a shit.
- Well this is what he’s aiming for but it doesn’t say much about how

I will continue to be a proponent of meditation practice. It’s honestly a shame imo that it has a “mystical” connotation. I think it’s very practical. I really don’t think of it much more than dedicating time to observing how my brain works. And a lot of that is all the stuff that arises that doesn’t feel like it “under your power.” When you actually sit down regularly and take notice of the arising and falling away of thoughts and emotions, it becomes a lot easier to not let it consume you and react.
It’s one thing to “know” the emotions are temporary and you shouldn’t react so strongly. It’s another thing to really internalize that and be able to have that same perspective in the moment of strong emotion. It’s practice.

To accept it, you just move on with your life. Find the next thing you should do and do it. The more you dwell, the harder it will be to stop dwelling, so just break the cycle and go do anything else.
You will encounter plenty more people who are insistently wrong. Each one will affect you less than the last.

One is perspective. For me, most situations don't fucking matter because no one died or was seriously injured. I have to deal with safety pretty heavily on a job where either one of the people I'm responsible for gets injured or killed or a member of the public can be injured or killed. It makes other areas of my life less critical.
Another way is reframing. He got the last word, but you said made him run away. You did more damage, what you said was more impactful that he had to run away. When you look at it through that frame, you won. On the other hand, you had a debate on the Internet, so maybe neither of you won.

This is a tough one, that takes practice and mental discipline.
You've already acknowledged that you can't change how things ended with this individual. Right now, you're in a very natural place for humans to be: you're feeling powerless, like someone has done something to you, and you want to blame that other person for how you're feeling.
The bit that takes practice and discipline is that you CAN change how you choose to react to things like this. You can take accountability for your reactions and emotions.
Why is this irritating you so much? What is it about the exchange that annoyed you, and makes you wish you could reply? If you had the chance to reply, would you want to do the same thing - reply and block - or continue arguing? To what end? What outcome is it that you want?
Accepting reality starts with acknowledging there are things you can't change. You've already said that, so you know this is the right path to continue going down.
The bit you need to try and take accountability for is understanding why you're feeling the way you are. This isn't about the person "robbing you" of the chance to reply. It's about why you feel so strongly that you need to reply.
Until you know why this pissed you off so much, you can't take meaningful steps to getting yourself into a better emotional state.
Edit: I feel bad that your OP is getting downvoted. You've asked a legitimate question about mental health, and some people are clearly writing you off as you having a whinge.
- thank you. I appreciate the feeling.
  I guess I also have to learn to ignore randoms who post whatever they assume as correct. It stings that posting a legitimate question triggers some people to post accusations, but that's something neither I can control.
  I don't get why they want drama.

The way I see it, when that person blocked you, they actually admitted that you won.

You need to learn soon that life is too short to spend it on what other people think of you. Do right to everyone, give everyone one chance to do right to you and drop/be weary of anyone maliciously making you feel shitty.

It is what it is.
Who cares who has the last word? What does it matter? Of what benefit is having the last word in a matter when it is almost always used to be hurtful? Would it not be better to let the other person have the final say so that the confrontation ends as soon as possible? If you can apologize, do so, even if you think you don't have to. It does no harm.
Only a weak person believes that being strong means digging their heels in. It takes a truly strong person to willingly walk away.

Write your response in a letter. Put "stupid fuckface" in the to section of the envelope. No return address. Drop it in the mailbox.

I would stop caring. Does it really matter in the end?

Sometimes it helps to log off. The internet is a machine that constantly spews shit, there will always be terrible people to argue with. There’s no guarantee any more that the guy you were arguing with was even real. “Touch grass” is a meme and sounds callous, but spending time outside helps.

Just learn that next time you gotta hit em with the 'no u' and you auto win any engagement

I think you need to find a way to went your frustration. Any physical activity is great. Go outside, run, walk, excercise or start cleaning your home, make something, learn something. Take the nasty energy he left you with and use it for something beneficial for yourself. That'll show him!

You could find solace in hard determinism.
This was always going to be the way it happened.
Your actions were determined by your biology and life experience up to that point. Likewise, the other person acted how they did according to their biology and experience.
The gears of the universe turned in the only way they were going to turn, and the outcome you got was the only one that was ever going to happen.
It doesn't mean that you can't now act upon it moving forward, but hopefully there's some calm to be had in knowing that what has already happened was always going to happen. It's just a tiny artifact of the vast and intricate clockwork of the universe.

What would have made you feel better? My guess is that you would have been happy if the other person wasn't upset with what you said and didn't disagree with you, right? Do you think if you were able to explain yourself, then the other person would have understood you and not disagreed with you?
It's likely that would have not been the case. There is a very good chance that they still would have disagreed with you even after elaboration. And you know what? It's not your fault.
You will have a large set of views about different facets of life. Even if they were all the most sane, rational views, many people will disagree with them. (And in different combinations. You may have Andy agree with you on X, Y, and Z but disagree on Q, R, and S. Brad may think you're right with X, R, and S but disagree on the rest.)
It is inevitable. So, what is someone to do?
First, is it something that matters? If it's something like an opinion of which celebrity has the best smile, remind yourself it doesn't matter.
But if it's something that does matter? Make sure you educate yourself. Accept evidence to the contrary to what you believe (from reliable sources). Keep an open mind. Accept input. Be aware of your own bias. If you need to update your own viewpoint because you found out you were wrong... Then do it! Yes, it sucks that you were wrong. But it's better to have been wrong then correct yourself than to stay wrong. This is important... If you're wrong, act the way you would want the other person to act if they were wrong. (You will make the world a better place doing this.)
Now, does this person still not agree with you (and you updated your own viewpoint based on facts)? Can you change their mind? Probably not. Is this a failing on your part? No. You can't control other people, just like they can't control you. But you can control yourself.
Being told we're wrong sucks. But if you do not have sufficient evidence that you are wrong, then you should be confident in what you think. Instead of framing this scenario as "this person disagrees with me," frame it as "I disagree with this person." With time and practice, you will more easily move to "I disagree with this person, and I am ok with it."
One last note. If it's something that is very important to you, make sure to do what you can to make the change you want to see in the world. If you were very concerned about pollution for instance, do things like trash tag, buying less stuff, and advocating for your cause. This specific person may not help, but you can still live your life as a reflection of your own values to the best of your ability and maybe even collaborate with others as well.
I hope this helps.

I know what you mean. At the end stoicism is the way to go. It basically already what you know but it's more condensed and you can practice it daily. It's not to stop your emotions in general, but to regulate them and understand what you can and what you can't change.

As someone who does this fairly often, I can say I'm not trying to have the last word, I'm just done. I don't mind a couple back and forth with a rando online, but more than a couple back and forths, pretty much everything has been said, its just become an ouroboros and all that's left is some long dick poker. So I try to block and move on, before I get annoyed.

Can you forgive yourself for feeling like he won? What sort of compassion can you feel for yourself in this situation? What kind of compassion can you feel for the person who blocked you?
I would go for a run or sit and journal a bit. Write or think out exactly what happened. Then I'd let myself know that it's okay to be feeling this way. Now this is a chance to better myself, because i want to try to be better than this. I then try to widen my context. It's not just me, it's not just me and this rando on the net. This is a small part of all of humanity right now, and it's time to make humanity better, even it's in a small way that only matters to me. Maybe next time I can try to make it better for more than just me.

@lompedtfre @nostupidquestions The only thing constant in life is change mate

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