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  • Tell her the truth (as I understand it you don't think she's fat), but also ask why she's asking in the first place. Offer some support if she wants to lose some weight.

    I think open and honest discussion is the best approach here because now you're jus guessing what the real issue is.

    • I think it's due to comments from people. She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She's now much better than before but people keep mentioning how she changed. It's really dumb when people keep commenting about your appearance, but I gets to her sometimes. The same people were telling her she needs to gain weight before. ( we are in a developing country where these comments are sadly so normalized)

      • I see that the comments are geared towards bigger bodies trying to lose weight.

        Your case is special. Food scarcity / eating disorders are very different from American lifestyles if you want to call them that. Emphasize your support and how much healthier y’all are in the present and will be in the future.

        I hope it all goes well.

      • It sounds like she is definitely not fat, so you can be truthful and you aren't looking for a way to tactfully say she is at an unhealthy weight. What it sounds like is happening instead is a bunch of busybodies are just stirring up trouble and trying to undermine her self confidence. If it wasn't her weight, it would be her clothes or some other body part they would criticize. (for instance they'd claim she had a weird nose or ears, I had a "friend" comment on my how my knees looked weird and knobby one time. They were and are normal knees. My grandma tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me because my breasts hadn't come in yet. I was 12. Both of these were people "looking out for me and trying to help" - they were not. They were trying to make themselves feel better at my expense.

        You need to make sure she realizes these comments other people are making are not motivated in kindness, even if they are claiming they are. Try to find ways to help her see her worth and to help her ignore the bullying comments by these people.

        Because of mainly my grandma, I learned to recognize when these comments were meant to be mean and to not let let them affect my self-esteem. Instead I realized they just made the person saying them look worse.

        Occasionally, when they would get a comment in about something, like a big pimple, I would gray rock it and respond with, "yeah, that happens, oh well" and move on. Learning to give them a reaction also makes it not fun for them after a while and they find other targets or shut up.

        Learning to gray rock and not internalize the crap other people are flinging will help a lot. Having someone like you that she can trust to be actually kind and honest will help her reinforce to herself that the other people are just being unkind.

      • I think make sure she knows you're on her side, and that you don't value the opinion of those people. "I just don't understand why they are so critical of your body and feel the need to comment on you all the time. You're a healthy weight, and you look incredible, its just bizarre that they behave that way. What is their problem? I wonder if it's jealousy, or maybe they've been brought up to be insecure about their bodies, such a shame to be like that, I'm glad we're not like that" etc. Keep trying to reinforce that this is their issue, not hers.

      • Oh man. That is really rough to deal with. I watched my wife going through what you are and it was really hard on her. I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well as your girlfriend.

        I(male, 36) have an autoimmune disorder that really kicked in during my teen years. I hit 172lbs(78kg) at 12 years old and then again at 32. At one point I weighed less than 138lbs(62kg) and I’m 6’4”(192cm). Got some medicine figured out and now I’m 215lbs(97kg), which feels and looks(!!) much much better.

        It’s all a bit personal but I know to some extent what she’s going through. It’s really really hard to watch your body change even in positive ways. Hell, I was so malnourished I couldn’t do math in my head for ten years, it’s fucking weird having parts of your brain turn back on and get smarter. She’s probably going through a lot.

        I’m not sure I can DM with this lemmy app but feel free to try. At the least I can lend an ear for someone for you to shit on. Everyone needs that!

        My best advice, as trite and cliche as it is, would be to meet her where she is at. Talk to her. Find out what’s bothering her. Don’t judge even the silly stuff but remind her to laugh. Remind her that love is about who she is not the skin or body she wears.

        She might need to be reminded or shown that not all comments are criticisms. People saying stuff about how she’s changed may be intended to be a compliment rather than a put down but it can be very hard to hear the words the right way.

        Also, if you’re in a developing country this has got to suck. One thing no one talks about is god damned expensive gaining or losing weight or just getting health can be. I’ve spent about 2% of my gross income on clothing this year because I put on 25lbs(11kg) and I make around the Canadian median wage. The conflict of guilt around being an expensive person or feeling like crap in your clothes is hard. It feels stupid and invalid but it’s this constant ache of budget vs feeling like you don’t want to be seen. Maybe take her shopping if you can?

  • "More cushion for the pushin'"

    and

    "I like 'em real thick and juicy"

    have worked well for me.

  • "That just means you're plushy like a big ol' stuffed animal!"

    Then lift her shirt up and raspberry her stomach.

  • Here in the US there is always going to be messaging telling women they need to be underweight. Having had a friend who died while anoexic and underweight (I can't be sure of the causal relationship but I'm sure malnutrition was a factor) the danger of body dysmorphia is, to me, very real.

    I'd say someone's negotiation with their own body is up to themselves and their doctor, but even primary care providers in the US are freaky about weight. Are you a fat lycanthrope with cancer? Statistically your doctor is most likely to fixate on your extra girth.

  • As someone's girlfriend myself, I'd say acknowledge both her weight gain and the fact that she's not technically overweight (I'm assuming this based on you saying she is "not fat at all", but you can look up some local statistics in your country to see for sure). To me, it would completely mess up my ability to gauge my own size if I were lied to about having gained weight. (This has happened to me and it makes it confusing to buy clothes because I have absolutely no idea what size to try on. Pants look like they'll fit fine and then they're completely wrong in the fitting room.) So tell her that yes, she has gained weight (and that's okay).

    One approach to weight gain, if she really has gotten significantly bigger, is that people can be simultaneously fat and beautiful. I won't go into detail, but you can look things up. There's a world of beautiful fat ladies out there.

    Another approach is to recognize that society often tells women they have to be beautiful --- but that's not true! Your girlfriend isn't here to look pretty; she's here, like everyone else on this planet, to have some fun in life. So my perspective on it is that I'm not beautiful, and that's fine because I'm not here to be easy on the eyes, I'm here to play video games and go swing dancing and learn new recipes. Similarly, my body's purpose is not to appear beautiful; my body's purpose is to carry me through day-to-day things, like dancing and eating good food and moving into a new apartment. To that end, I go to the gym just to be strong enough to do what I want to do (like lift boxes into my new apartment), not so I can look good for some other person's opinion.

    It might not go over well if you were to tell her this right now when she's sensitive to it ("Hey babe, yeah, you're fat and ugly, but hey, you're ugly despite being fat, not because of it! They're two separate things! And also, it's okay you're ugly! You're clearly not here to be pretty!"). But this is a mindset that has very much helped me personally over many years, and maybe you can introduce it slowly to her and explain it in a way she will understand. You know her better than any internet stranger.

  • That depends heavily on who she is, and what your relationship looks like; a lighthearted response might work best for one person, while launching into a serious discussion about body image might be best for another.

    My go-to response when my wife says something bad about her body is to just respond with "You're beautiful." and leave it at that. Sometimes I throw in a "Hey, don't talk about my wife like that!" for good measure.

121 comments