It's almost impossible to deny being an alcoholic without sounding like an alcoholic

Not so funny when it actually happens to you:
Because of really bad experiences with alcoholics as a child, I am afraid of people who drink. My psychologist and my doctor wrote that down.
When I became seriously ill and could no longer work in my old job, I had to retrain. To do this, you have to go to the German employment office and get an assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, including what your doctor and therapist have to say.
They read the paper from my doctor and my psychologist, but just skimmed over the words and decided that because the word "alcoholic" was there, I must be the alcoholic. They told me that I could get paid retraining and benefits, but only if I attended a therapy group for alcoholics once a week - me, who is afraid of alcoholics because of the abuse I suffered as a child. .... I immediately started crying and swore that I had no problem with alcohol, only with alcoholics!
It took 6 months to get someone at the job centre to actually read the papers word for word to find out that me saying "I'm not an alcoholic" was not me being an alcoholic in denial. I got a half-assed apology and my retraining 6 months after I could have started it because of this. Not to mention that every time I refused to go to AA meetings they threatened to take away my benefits and I was in such a bad mental state that I probably would have killed myself without the help of my family. Oh, and my family who tried to intervene were labelled as co-alcoholics, holding me back.
- That is terrible and I am so sorry.
- They do AA in Germany? I thought that pseudo science was just an American thing.
  
  There is no greater fucking idiot than the one who thinks a social gathering for discussion is subject to the rules of double-blind scientific testing. Watching some arrogant fucking shithead attempting to slander 12-stop programs as "not scientific" is hilarious because OF COURSE IT ISN'T SCIENTIFIC!! IT MAKES NO CLAIMS TO BE.
- My lord that is absolutely bonkers and I am so sorry for what you had to go through!

- I'm in a similar situation with a bipolar diagnosis. I was diagnosed after speaking with a sketchy psychologist for 20 minutes at best. Apparently thinking you don't have bipolar disorder is a symptom of bipolar disorder.
  Even after working with two other psychologists for well over a year and both diagnosing me with PTSD and that diagnosis perfectly matching my experience, not a single doctor will put that on my medical record. They won't refer me to appropriate treatment. They won't change my medication and tell me it works instead of asking.
  I've been trying to get this fixed since 2008, but I just get shut down immediately after bringing it up. I'm barely getting by due to very poor mental health and everything just keeps getting worse.
  
  Have you talked to a medical malpractice lawyer about your original diagnosis? Most will do an initial consult for free and work on contingency. In this rock-paper-scissor world lawyer beats doctor.
- That is so fucked up. I hate the lack of self awareness the medical field has with regard to the impossible situations it puts some patients in.
- same with autism (in a social sense not medical).
- I believe you when you say you’re not anorexic, or ever had anorexia, but as a 43 year old man, who is 185cm tall, my healthy range is 63-86 kilos.
  I am 82 kilos give or take a meal, and if I lost 15 kilos I would be very, very slender, and that would still keep me well in the “healthy” range.
  What I’m saying is the healthy range, to me at least, should be taken with a pinch of salt, and it’s shithouse that your diagnosis has vexed you for over ten years.

I don’t drink
- Congrats, how many years are you sober?
  
  All my life
- Oh, so you don't like it when other drink then?
  Edit: that's literally the response my buddy gets every single time it comes up, every single time without fail, even from other people who don't drink.
  
  Haha yeah it’s weird how NOT drinking is weird. I couldn’t care less what other people do, nor what they think of me; drinking is just no longer appealing to me
  No idea why you got downvoted so bad, I guess I did have the benefit of your edit when I read your reply.
  
  What the fuck?
  
  No sir. Sounds like your projecting, are you uncomfortable that I don't drink alcohol?
- Sure buddy what ever you say
- Whatever helps you sleep at night.
  
  Oh that's the booze.
- Oof ow my kidneys

“I don’t have time for alcoholism—I’m too busy shooting heroin.”
- At least your not a Morman
  
  No, I am only one man, not more men.

"My psychiatrist prefers to say that I have a 'substance use disorder' and cautions that the old 'alcoholism' model isn't very scientific."
- "I don't limit myself to just alcohol"
  
  Modern problems require modern solutions.
- Seriously! The new model and terminology have been around for a decade or so! Why aren't more people aware of them yet? throws hands up in frustration
  But, having said that, now deny that you have an alcohol use disorder without sounding like you have an alcohol use disorder😏

"I have literally not had alcoholic beverages even once in my life, how would it be possible to become an alcoholic given that?"
- You must be a hardcore alcoholic if you had to abstain for that long.
  
  I suppose there's no way for me to actually know if I'd be particularly susceptible to addiction from it or not, never having tried it
  
  I need some alcohol at least once per month.
- Well clearly given your decision, your mother drank with you in the womb and you had fetal alcohol syndrome. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
  Checkmate, atheists.

I drink a lot less now that I have easy access to THC.
This goes for a lot of other bad things, too. "Just to get it out of the way, I am not a child molester".
- To be clear, you're not a child molestor since you got access to THC right?
- I am not certain whether I can safely upvote or the last part is too weird.
  
  Back on Reddit for /r/bestoflegaladvice, you always knew the post was going somewhere when it started with that exact phrase.

Only acoholics actually need to try to convince others that they aren't alcoholics. Nobody goes up to a person on the street to start aggressively asking if they have a drinking problem.
Any serious questions about how alcohol is affecting your life will quickly demonstrate whether it is is or isn't a problem, without you ever saying that you don't have a drinking problem.
- Sounds like you have a drinking problem...
  
  I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem!
  
  The last time i got drunk was two months ago. The time before that was back in January.

It's because denial is part of being an alcoholic. The same goes with being called a liar.
- Nuh uh!
- Except when it's not. I so much hate this rhetoric. You know what? You can freely think that I am one, and I genuinely think I'm not. If you think that I am one, that's your problem, not mine. That's why OP's question is so hard to answer. Because everybody is just parroting this rhetoric.
  And "you are clearly an alcoholic" comments in 3, 2, 1...
  
  You can freely think that I am one, and I genuinely think I'm not. If you think that I am one, that's your problem, not mine.
  I mean that's exactly the issue lol. You might not be an alcoholic, but if you were there's a solid chance you'd deny that fact.There is a good reason why parts of the 12 step program involve admitting and recognizing that there is a problem, and it's not limited to alcoholism but substance abuse in general.
  A lot of people who genuinely need help refuses to see or admit that they do.
- The same goes with being called a liar.
  Every statement I make is a lie.
  
  I am actually incapable of lying
  
  I believe you!

It’s pretty easy, actually. I drink around twice a month. No one could credibly accuse me of alcoholism.
- Exactly what an alcoholic would say
  
  Notice how they didn't say how many drinks? I bet its the wildest bender each time, black out drunk, ends up in the drunk tank type situation, so they tell themselves, I need to stop, and they last a week or two and then it happens again, because theyre an alcoholic
- I am glad your recovery is going well

I dodged it as a youth, no point starting it now.
- I don't think there's that sort of age restriction, you can start any time!

- Yeah I'm going to have to agree. I'm an alcoholic myself and this is a problematic way of living with it. Moderation seldom works for alcoholics as it is and by putting your choice to drink on someone else's offerings seems to just be a way to escape any blame should it end in full relapse.
  Everybody's journey is different though so I'm not going to judge. But at no point was I able to stop drinking until I straight stopped drinking. As they say "one drink is too much and a hundred isn't enough."
- Can I try to gently press that a little?
  I would feel awful if I found out I had been enabling someone’s alcoholism, especially if they only allowed it because they trusted me and I offered them drinks. I have ADHD and autism, so I understand making yourself hard and fast rules to avoid having to make your own self control (I’m not saying that’s definitely what you’re doing).
  Could you perhaps try gradually increasing the rules one by one so that in the end there’s basically no scenario in which you drink? I’m talking: a trusted person offers it to you; it’s a weekend; it’s nice weather out; your whole house is clean; you’ve got extra cash; you ate healthy that day; you are already in a good mood; your beloved (hopefully incapable, for this situation) sports team has won; you talked to two relatives that day, etc. I’m not a therapist, but that works for me. The problem is when I mess up- my rules are great for keeping me out of trouble, but they make me spiral if/when I do break them. You might have to figure out a combination of zero tolerance for “mistakes” and allowing yourself to make actual mistakes without spiraling.
  
  .

I only drink on weekdays ending with 'y'

That's exactly what a fuckin boozer would say, also.
Although... I've been drinking since about October o'clock.. so, what the fuck would I know about it, anyways.
(I say: they can stop anytime you want me to.)
Cheers!
- I'll drink to that?

I literally just threw up. I feel better now though.
- Oh hey I threw up last night. Shnaps sucks.
  
  That's the neat part. You can basically start over after a good throwing up.

Drinking just isn't my sort of thing
- One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
  
  No! Really! It's not mine!

"I have about three drinks a week and get drunk maybe once or twice a year. I'd say I'm the picture of moderation, but I'm not really concerned with how you feel about my drinking habits."

I haven't drunk alcohol in over a year, last time I got drunk was maybe almost a decade ago...
I'm sure that'll convince someone? Though it makes it sound like I used to be one too lol.

"What do you mean? I don't even drink"

I really should reduce my consumption, I've always hang around people that tend to get wasted on a weekly basis. Getting tipsy is enjoyable, but more than that is just fucking stupid. I also find it hard to talk about stuff with them, or to do meaningful activities, they just want to drink a lot and act like dumbasses in night clubs. So boring. I should try and find new friends, but I feel like most people act like this, honestly. It's the same when I hang out with strangers. My hard limit is 3 drinks per night now.
- Most people don't do this. You need to find friends somewhere other than bars and clubs.
- I should try and find new friends, but I feel like most people act like this, honestly.
  I don't know anyone like this. All, my friends, and my friends friends, do normal things like go out to eat, do something outdoors, play games, just talk, sit around a fire pit, etc. On a rare occasion a few will get drunk or high, but it is not a regular thing for any of us, sounds like you just surround yourself with 1 dimensional people with little to offer.
  
  I wouldn't call them "1-dimensional", and they do have things to offer, but they go out to lose themselves, and drink like crazy. When we do have discussions they're very interesting, and we sometimes do activities unrelated to drinking, but they're not willing to go there often. Again, I meet these people at events in bars, so it's very likely that they're into drinking. My friends back home have mellowed quite a bit and we do normal stuff now. It's just hard to meet new people outside school/workplace if you don't have hobbies and you don't want to go to bars or nightclubs.
- Find new friends. Not even most people are like this, unless you're in college age. Even then they are others who don't want to get wasted regularly
  
  You're right, I'm 27 in a new country, and I meet people at meetups events (they very often takes place in a bar), so I'm bound to find people that are only interested in getting wasted. I've been meaning to pick some hobbies and find friends this way, I should get to it.

"I've honestly never really thought about it." And then "I don't know, I don't really keep track of how much I drink."

"Fuck you, I can stop whenever I want."

I never drank anythinng alcoholic in my life. Does that sound alcoholic?
- Yeah, if you need help we're there for you
  
  Oh shit. Thanks tho.

I honestly don't really see the appeal of alcohol. Water on top. Where my hydro homies at?
- More people that partake in alcohol also drink water you know. Beer is just barley flavoured water!
- Its the only way if you live at higher elevations

I have a drink once a month (or sometimes not for a few months) and it makes me feel exhausted. We do a big party once a year and that's more than enough for me.

"I don't even drink!"

Unless you're a Muslim 👑

Let one who is not neurodivergent cast the first stone