1y ago

CW HOMOPHOBIA: My mother said I was too young to be gay, and now I don't have the motivation to come out again.

Hello, The 4 people in my family who I was considering telling my truth have previously shown acceptance of LGBTQ+ people. They are my mother, father, grandpa (mother's side, probably the most vocal ally I know), grandma (father's side). I recently came out to my mother. She stated that I was too young to be gay, too young to know, and that she wasn't going to believe me until I was over the age of 18. I am in the middle of my teens, and I do not believe I am too young. I now find myself unable to come out to anyone else. It took so much effort to get the words out of my mouth and now I don't know how to tell anyone else. I'm sure, I'm praying, that if I tell her dad, or my dad, or his mum, they'll accept me. They'll make it all right. I don't know what to do. How can I tell someone.

21 comments

Hot take, but you don't actually have to come out if you don't feel like it. Or, you can come out in another way - for example, when the time comes, be like "hey, I have a [boy/girl/whatever applicable term]friend and I want you to meet them." If you still want to be out but don't feel like it right now, maybe wait a little bit and then come out to the people you're most sure will respond well.
Good luck with your journey and I hope it goes better next time. Just remember to listen to your needs and not push yourself out of any sense of obligation.
- hell yes to this. i’m in my mid 30s. i’m bisexual. only the people who need to know, know. why would my parents care? i’m (afab) dating a cis man. people who i feel especially close to know that i’m not straight. i’m “out” insomuch as i’ll say a girl is cute if i happen to see one.
  
  That's not really helpful to a gay teenager, though. It can feel suffocating at that point in life.
  
  Exactly this! I pick and choose who knows based on how comfy I am around someone. Like you, I'm bi in a "straight-passing" relationship, so many people aren't aware; my dad will probably never know unless I date a girl, or he finds out in some random way, but I just don't really care to share that part of my life with him. The older I get, the less effort I make to keep anything a secret. But I don't make a strong conscious effort to come out to people if I don't feel like it.
- I kind of want to come out because if I don't I will find it hard to find a boyfriend especially in my current situation there are like 0 queer people around
  
  That's fair. Are you in a place where everybody knows each other? If your parents aren't really likely to hear it from anywhere else, you can also come out to other people, like at school or in your social circles, without necessarily having to come out to your family.

I know it probably doesn't mean much but you just told us and I'm pretty sure nobody here is going to speak negatively about you for this.
We might not be your parents but we are real people and there are more people that aren't your parents than people that are.
The idea of you going through this breaks my heart.
- thank you so much it means a lot!

Does your mother apply the same standard to minors who identify as straight?
I’ve actually met some people who will honestly say, if questioned, that it’s also too young to know for sure if you’re straight, so even though it doesn’t respect self-knowledge it’s consistently applied and therefore doesn’t really read as homophobic. But in most cases this kind of talk is just homophobic invalidation and bringing up the above question can help a person realize what was wrong about them saying you’re too young to know. The exact wording I used there isn’t offensive if you’re reading the exact words, but it could absolutely be taken as aggressive and hostile, especially if said in a (justifiably) defensive tone, so you might want to reword it.
There’s probably also evidence for your conclusion about your sexuality: experienced attraction to the same gender and lack of attraction to members of the opposite gender. While someone could attempt to explain away the lack of attraction to the opposite gender as “just have not met the right person yet,” they must then also apply that to every straight person and consider they might be bi but haven’t met the right same-gender person. Presence of attraction is a lot harder to explain away. “You’re confused,” list out the symptoms and ask how it’s any different from what [straight person in your lives] feels for [their partner], and how they’re sure that straight person is not confused. At the very least, this should open people up to possibilities other than straight. It’s possible to think you are gay and then find you’re bi (or you were actually gay, but sexuality is fluid for some and you changed) with an extremely heavy preference towards the same gender, that’s been an experience I’ve seen in LGBTQ+ communities in the past, but somehow I doubt that your mother is referring to this possibility when she says you’re too young to know.
This is more meant as stuff to say to people who don’t believe you than for what to say in the initial coming-out process :P
You can try to push past your emotions and experience with a bad coming out and tell someone. Hopefully this would be someone who you can point to prior evidence of being accepting—getting another negative response isn’t conducive to most people being willing to come out again. Or you can wait until your feelings change. Or you can just not do it. As someone else said, no pressure to come out, only do it if you want to, and you already managed to come out to us.
- I just want to add that she doesn't apply the same standard for heterosexual people and this has been shown.

I knew I was gay when I was 12. I've only ever been attracted to men, and I'll be 40 next week. If you think you're gay, you're very likely correct. Some people's sexualities are fluid, so you may also be "incorrect". Either way, it doesn't really matter. Life is not a quiz. You're under no obligation to give the "correct answer" first time, and it's not too late if you suddenly realize you gave the "incorrect answer" when you're in your twenties, thirties, or even older.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Much sympathy for trying to juggle this.
You've come out to your mum. Take a step back and appreciate that you did this. You found the strength to do it and you've done it. Take another moment to stay with this thought. Congratulations. Well done. You did it.
How she deals with it now is a her-thing. How your other people deal with it will be them-things. Just like your mum's reaction says more about her than it does about you, your mum's reaction also says more about her than how your other people will react.
Since her dad is a really vocal ally, you could try approaching him with a request for his help. Something like "Grandpa, I need your help. I told Mum I'm gay and she said I'm too young to know." This will hopefully put him in ally mode, rather than worried parent scared of what you'll face in this difficult world, and it would provide him with a useful course of action. People tend to like useful courses of action.
Does this sound like a good enough plan? I have life and youth work experience but you know your people best.
Whatever you choose to do, we're all here to support you as you find your way.
- The issue is more saying the words they get bottled up in my throat.
  
  fair enough. how about writing something?

it seems like your mother has some homophobia she hasn't dealt with, a lot of "allies" will show their true colors when it comes to children. she might come around but not if you go back in the closet, the most important thing is your safety tho.

Your mother is saying nonsense. My mom knew I liked girls when I was 4. She thought that was normal, because I'm a trans woman, but it was obvious even then.
I'm sorry. You don't deserve invalidation. You deserve affirmation. You don't owe your mother anything, but it's possible that your dad or a grandparent can be an ally for you with the rest of the family.
How can you tell them? I don't know. "Hey, I have something important to tell you." Will probably force the issue.
You don't have to come out, but if you want to, that's how I would start.

Do you have any IRL friends that know and are supportive? Having some backup physically with you when you come out can really help with nerves ... it's a really difficult thing to do, so how you're feeling is natural.
Your mother's reaction sounds like either a kneejerk reaction, it's very easy to be pro-LGBT when you're not directly confronted with it ... with a shock like that some people fall back on the homophobia they were raised in (that stuff sticks like dog doo to the bottom of your shoe). Take care of yourself first and foremost, but try and be patient with her - given time and space she might come around on her own or with just gentle nudging.
Whatever happens, in the world (both online and IRL) there are people who will genuinely support you and love you for who you are. Being brave enough to step out into the light is the hard part, and you've already taken the first step towards that - you can do it!

To be fair, at your age I was sure I was straight.

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