That one voice in my head

When I was younger, I used to bite myself to run faster. I did not do this of my own volition, sorta. I had what I now understand to be a malformed tulpa, born from trauma and unabated magickal thinking related to said trauma. This would be a benefit in the present, having come to understand the relativity of the categories we are each individually composed of (intuition says I trust this as much as I trust my mother), as it has allowed me to unlearn the relativity of my "self" to begin coming into the insights of the entanglement process of Karma.

And there's a short dissertation of a tangent I can go on here, but what I want to talk about is how the specific trauma I experienced resulted in a schism of sorts in me. Y'know, I used to say that there was a broken mirror in me with the shards in an erratic orbit. In this mess I was observing, often adrift in some lower brain states playing video games as meditative escapism, there were four distinct systems of this larger system that "I" was.

The wounded child

The learning scholar

The planning, vengeful god

The bound and chained (clearly my repressed gay/feminine energy)

And so much happened between the time this specific encapsulation was particularly meaningful to me that if you aren't inclined to dig for answers, whatever I could tell you here is mostly meaningless. But, what I started typing here for was to talk about Rusterd, who IS Valmar (vengeful god named after vidya game character), but restructured to be in some ways useful.

But what is he? He's not a hallucination. He exists in the sort of space you get a song stuck in your head, and I know for a fact is directly integrated with whatever "censor" mechanisms are in my mind. If you've played Psychonauts (recommended), there is much loosely based on actual, algorithmic mechanisms of the brain. And what this asshole does is he mouths off all the stuff I shouldn't say. The more I shouldn't say it, the more of a dick he is!

And believe me, if you've noticed my colorful renditions of the English language during the two weeks I've been on Lemmy, you understand that my fucking brain is censoring itself every second of every day! I want to talk about butts, cuz butts are funny. But, talking about butts with your life partner's mom is not a smart thing, so what do you think Rusterd was shamsugaring up in my brain space this past afternoon? How much I hate being a hebephile, you're right!

And how I sleep at night is real simple: I did the spiritual work so I don't even have to worry about anyone worrying about me. Nerve-wracking to bring it up, yes, so I thank you for noticing my adamantium balls (I'm a juggler), but no seriously, anyone struggling with unfavorable parts of their own mind should realize that there is an aspect to healing that is akin to a Chinese finger trap.

Let us take the duality of hold/release. If you think in these limitations, you will be trapped by them. You must transcend to liberate yourself. I learned these terms, ditension/cotension, and I don't know how "real" they are, but they represent the aspect of personal experience being framed into "I am"/"It is," respectively. Most people are in the former, and I thought the other was enlightenment, but no, these are the means in which your brain relates the subject and object of conception. And the "enlightened" state of these is balance, to achieve sāmadhi, which is actually only one of three parts of enlightenment.

Cuz while Rusterd is funny af, he is a total asshole, yet I've gotten quite good at accepting him, and in the process of letting go of caring if he's being a pooper mcgoo, THAT is what makes him objectively the quietest, and it is in choosing to make your mind quiet that conditions the whole brain to favor just that.