What ableist views do people have about you?

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It's why so many of us hate ourselves, because until we get diagnosed, all we have to go on is what people think and say about us.
- Even if you aren't like that in public - people always tell me how organized I am (well, my desk is usually a mess but my information is organized). Thanks, I need my Systems© or I'll fall apart and it's killing me to maintain them so...

You need to be more outgoing mate!
Have you tried learning to sleep better?
You should really focus on being taller.
- You should really focus on being taller.
  Shut up! I'm doing my best! :(
- Funny enough, I took shots to get taller. They helped a bit - I'm at average now 5'10". Without I probably would be <<5'
  
  average for who lol

I have a brain tumor, and people seem to think its not a Real Neurodivergence® like ADHD, because I can just get a surgery and fix it. Spoiler, they can't just fix it, its too deep to get to.
- Wow that is crazy. I mean you have physical proof that something is wrong with your brain.
- "Disability" is apparently some mythical essence of your being and your worth rather than the literal meaning: not abled. Not a fan of the way it's been socially constructed tbh.
- Does it grow?
  
  If it is growing, it's growing very slowly. I need to get a MRI every couple of years to check up on it.

I had to try really hard to stop my family from playing armchair therapist with me.
- Like they were making you be the therapist for them? Sorry I can't figure out what you mean if that's not it and that's on me but I'm still feeling to understand you
  
  "Armchair xyz" refers to an unqualified person speaking confidently about topics they have no experience or training in, and giving (often unsolicited) advice that could be inappropriate, not applicable, or even downright harmful. Additionally, they sometimes get upset when their advice is not welcome or not heeded, leading to additional tension.
  I assume OP is receiving similar treatment from their family.
  
  No, they gave me unsolicited lectures about my life as though they were my therapist. I blocked my uncle after visiting him and his newborn abroad. I'd repeatedly told him to stop pretending to be a therapist and forcing me, my sister, and cousins into listening to him. Other family members have stopped by now.

Its insane realizing how much ableist abuse I endured as a child. It even came from adults who knew i had adhd. No one ever told me what executive dysfunction was or all the ways adhd affected me. It was just "youre bad at focusing in class" and even that was always my fault too. No one ever sought to actually help me, just tell me to try harder and punish me when I failed. I didnt know any different. I believed them that it was all my fault. It utterly destroyed any semblance of confidence or self esteem I had for the longest time.
- I’ve had the exact same experience. Teachers would tell me I don’t concentrate enough, my parents would get mad for not doing homework, and they’d “help” me by giving the answer to some things but then get mad since I still didn’t know how to complete the task, and it’d end in a lot of tears (although I don’t blame them, they knew only the mainstream strategies and we’re never taught anything about neurodivergent behaviours. They also seem to have a lot of ADHD and autistic traits as well, so it’s likely they must’ve thought it’s how everyone else experiences things.)
  I was also made to believe I was just inferior to peers at school, since they could get everything done, but I didn’t know how I couldn’t. Even in high school it was pretty bad, with especially my math and English teachers not knowing why I couldn’t get all my coursework done (but for English that was solved a bit by just telling her that I probably have ADHD (which I’m even more sure of now)). Granted, the rest of the classes were great, they were my interests (technology, design, and the law respectively), so I pretty much completed everything there and was seen as well above average in the software development one as well as the design one, so there’s that.
  Since I’ve graduated a month back, I really leaned into learning about myself and genuinely shifting my routine, finding out that I didn’t actually have anything wrong with me, it’s just I’m likely to have AuDHD, even if I’m not diagnosed for either yet. I still encounter ableism, although I’ve been quite stern in disclosing my abilities, what makes me comfortable/uncomfortable, and the issues I face, so that’s solved a lot as well.
  
  Something to put the ableism into perspective: when other students underperform compared to me they're not called lazy for underperforming, I'm called abnormally good instead. But when I underperform at "normal" tasks, I do get called lazy.

When I was single and having extreme dating difficulties:
"You just don't want to date! If you did, you'd overcome this silly shy act and go do it!"
- Damn, yeah being late diagnosed really puts a different lens on all the fun I had with dating.
  ✅ Impossible to flirt with because I don't understand indirect communication. I also don't know how to flirt.
  ✅ Total inability to play the games of dating (not the negative ones but the "dance" of courtship, I guess?"
  ✅ Rejection sensitivity making it impossible to know if someone likes me so I just assume no one is interested unless they flat out tell me in so many words and BOY HOWDY did that lead to some awkward situations
  ✅ People felt super rejected because people "make time for those they care about" whereas my lack of executive function means they probably are getting all my free time but it doesn't look like that to an NT.
  Both fortunately and unfortunately this manifested as manic Pixie dream girl energy so I did have access to dating. I didn't think I would have been able to find a partner without internet dating though.
  Funny anecdote: I once went on a first (and last lmao) date where we watched 500 Days of Summer in theater and that's probably one of the worst 1st date movies ever 😬. But it was definitely a massive eye opener to the fact that people fall in love with an idea sometimes and that's awful .
- Uhh, pressured to date?

i realize this is the autism comm but in terms of physical ableism an ex-friend, while harping on me to get a job basically because she was tired of me talking about my mental health issues, had completely forgotten than i have a musculoskeletal disorder that affects my ability to walk.
- I think it's quite relevant given the types of comorbidities people with autism are more likely to have 💕

I've been told I don't understand things very well, when I do... just in a way that doesn't show I'm a good little Jesuit-aligned wee-wee.
Religism and ableism in one, actually.

Even I struggle to not see it as a personal failing, and the only person I judge is myself. :-(

I haven't sought any assessment for this stuff, but I have my hunches. So I don't know if this is a thing, but every single time I appear clean and normally dressed, saying things that are agreeably sane and charming, and not talking about one topic at length or being super quiet, it is always because I have decided it is necessary.
- Username checks out. I find that better situational control has come with age, for me. I sure can put on the charm and be sociable, but it's contextual. I can function well at work, as I've developed a "work persona" that helps keep me on the level, but once I'm clocked out it's a different ballgame. I have to conserve my effort for the times I most need to focus, and doing the thing that brings me income, well, that's a top priority. I spend a lot of "time off" alone recharging.
  
  Can I ask if there's a diagnosis paired with that struggle? The worksona thing is highly relatable, I've worked at the same place since 2017 and none of them know who I am at home
- So I need to make up a song about that, too? Because I will if I'm forced but I've shared some of the same struggles so I might have some big feelings while doing it. And I'm not a fan of big feelings.
  
  You do songs?

The one thing that my wife and I consistently fight about. I’m 55 and have had this all my life so it’s not new. Basically all of the little quirks like unfinished projects, hyper-focusing on certain things (typically video games but often software projects or some electronic project I’m building in my lab … it’s a lab dammit not just a garage), clutter on my desk, terrible time management, misplacing stuff, delayed audio processing, forgetting bills or appointments, procrastination,etc… you know all the typical ADHD stuff. Yes my medication helps but not always 100%. And yes I can overcome 95% of them with just Herculean willpower that I just don’t have 99.9% of the time. She thinks it’s just an excuse and that all of these things happen because I guess I’m either lazy or just don’t care.
I do finish projects (sometimes) and have figured out how to use my “super powers” for good at my job, and I’m able to function most days so I guess I can see her point. We work very well together since she’s an ultra planner but sometimes a little more empathy would be welcome.

I think the biggest reason people don’t recognize ADHD/Autism is that it doesn’t present visually in the way people feel that conditions should.
For example, things like Down’s syndrome, or turrets are recognizable.
Having ADHD or autism blends in for the most part. And people only seem to know what they see. So if you look “normal” you are normal.

My mom passed away four months ago you know I know she’s in heaven, but my whole family didn’t know what she had and I may not be the smartest tool in the shed. I used to be, but it’s slowly degenerating, but I demanded that the doctor tester and she had a type one ALS I couldn’t believe they couldn’t see. I got her the best medication but it hurts you know autism. I know I have something high functioning or functioning maybe not ADHD it’s confusing and the medication didn’t work. I still really wanna work hard to help someone get cured. Don’t give up. I don’t give up you know when I was younger doctors even get me my tonsillectomy I said oh yeah, you need it. Yeah, yeah I was dying of it. You have to keep working on these things you got a hunch. You gotta work on it. I worked a little harder maybe I could’ve done more so don’t give up.

Talk to you as if either dumb, having a blanked-out stare, or seen as a child than a grown-up person sitting there quietly.

Always been called lazy by my folks. " not right"

I hated that movie. My wife loved it.

Not your fault. But failing to deal with it is.
Your actions affect others. If you're being a slob, that's your responsibility.
- If you're walking too slowly, that's your responsibility. I don't care that you have a wooden leg.
  
  IKR, fuck those people with disabilities for inconveniencing you.
  How dare they use a physical impairment as an excuse to not do things to your satisfaction.
  Selfish Is what they are.
  in case it wasnt abundantly clear, that was sarcasm.
  
  Ah yes, society is for tormenting less fortunate people with passive-aggressive rules.
- If you're being a slob
  Although I don't expect you're intending to carry on ableist rhetoric, the implication that someone with ADHD is a "slob" implies a misunderstanding of why we do what we do. What someone else might call "disorganized" could actually be organized in a way that facilitates our daily lives. Sure, I could keep my medicines in a cabinet, but when I see them on my nightstand I am far more likely to remember to take them. Sure, I could put away all my art supplies when I take a break from a project for the day, but then I'll lose track of what I was working on. Every time I "tidy up" I end up spending a significant amount of time trying to get back into my normal rhythm afterwards.
  People will use words like "slob" even though there's no trash lying around, I keep the floor swept, I wash my dishes immediately, etc., all because surfaces are covered in items that I actually use. My private space is for living in, and it reflects that. If someone else doesn't like it, well, that sucks for them, but to imply that we're "slobs" for finding ways to make our daily lives run smoothly is an unfair characterization.
- Thanks mate, I'll just try harder and buy a day planner.
- Your actions affect others. If you’re being a slob, that’s your responsibility.
  And what business is it of yours what state my desk, my room, or my home is in? How are you actually affected?
  You're not. Fuck off.
- Failing to do your best to deal with it.
  A small difference, but important.
- Exactly this.
  My father was (is?) bipolar. He was fine when he was on his meds, but decided to stop taking them and became a monster. Lost his job, wife, eventually my sisters and I went no contact for our own safety.
  This is an autism community, not an ADHD community. I'm autistic, not ADHD. But i am aware that I need to put energy into communicating with people I want or need relationships with. Everyone is different, and every relationship needs compromise to be successful. To simply say "I have ADHD so you have to deal with it or get out of my life" well... Bye then.

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