1mo ago

Are you threatening me?

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The original Bri Larson tweet makes me think of a recent post on lemmy that showed younger men are less and less likely to ask women out in person. Some people in the comments said "hey it's ok to approach women in public just be ok with them saying no" but when I read what women say about being approached in public (like bri larsons tweet here) I get the feeling that I should never approach women in public because I'll make them feel scared.
I'm not talking about the top tweet where a guy is memorizing your address, that is creepy, I understand that, but the guy in the bri Larson tweet wasn't being creepy, just shooting his shot right? Or am I way off here?
- "Approaching in public" can mean so many different things. What most women have a problem with is being approached in a situation where the man has some form of power over her. For example a cashier or server has to be friendly and smile or she will risk her job. Being approached is uncomfortable, because too many men don't understand it when the no comes with a smile. They are also in a position of power, because they can complain about her or make a scene and get her in trouble.
  In this case the TSA agent has some form of power over her and could give her trouble if she refuses. She has no way of knowing if a "no" will be met with understanding or with him holding her up, being insistent, keeping her from passing. That's what makes it especially uncomfortable.
  
  I think even if it's not one of these situations, being approached is uncomfortable unless you are interested in the person. People are way more isolated now and less socially aware, which means half the people who do approach will not understand when the other person isn't interested, and end up making it a bad interaction for both people rather than just a short uncomfortable one.
  Being isolated also makes people act stupid, which makes them ask out their server cashier etc even if they know they shouldn't. They just need someone to be with, and they see a positive interaction and go for it. It's like someone who's starving stealing a lot of your food, it's still their "fault" but it's not really surprising they would do that.
  
  Sounds easier to just stay introverted. Sorry. Forever alone lol
  
  It's pretty simple. If they can't just walk away and choose not to talk to you, don't shoot your shot.
  If they are going through security to get on a scheduled flight, and you are security, do not shoot your shot.
  If you are their boss, in your office, do not shoot your shot.
  If you are purchasing something from them, do not shoot your shot.
  If you are at a bar, and you are polite, shoot your shot. And accept a no graciously.
  If you are at a park, and you are both walking your dogs, try to start up a conversation (not shoot your shot). And accept a no graciously.
  If you are the President of the United States, and you have a 19-year-old intern in your office, DO NOT shoot your shot.
  Seems pretty simple to me. I'm a man in my 40s, have started plenty of conversations with women (and men) in public, and have never had any negative experiences from it (other than coming across some VERY strange people). Weird.
  
  What happened to just having hobbies and social groups and then developing genuine relationships there, too? Why are the "male loneliness" advocates acting like picking up girls has ever been the standard for developing a relationship? Just seems like brainrot from watching too many "ripped guy in the beach picking up girls" videos at a young age...
  I have had a bunch of relationships and flings in my life and only like one or two happened through "shooting my shot", most were friends of friends, school colleagues, large Whatsapp group chats (were a big thing in Brazil for a while), etc.
  
  Yeah, that's the other thing. I was a teenager in the 90s and just walking up to someone in public to hit on them or flirting with people who are working was seen as weird back then too. You met people through hobbies, school, parties or clubs.
  
  That's a lot to take in. I will just not shoot my shot.
  
  As is your prerogative, but then you don't get to complain that you can't find anyone.
  
  Username checks out
  
  Let me know when you're 20 years old and growing up with social media and society the way it is, we'll see if your logic still applies.
  
  This summed up my point perfectly, thank you.
- A large part of it is setting. If you're at a place people gather to be social, like a party or a bar or other social event, people are more open to talking or getting to know each other. If you're just trying to move through your day in public and are probably thinking about all the bullshit you need to deal withnin our daily hellscape of lives, and some random person interupts to interject and make you deal with even more bullshit, that fuckin sucks. Location, location, location.
- He's at work, be professional at least. He also doesn't know the person, but if he was just some random dude you are still inconveniencing a person slightly. They say no, you are inconvenienced back.
  Your workplace is for work, not for interfering with people trying to use your service. You can become friends with regulars and then ask them out if you desire, but you also involve more of yourself at risk in the question.
  So just don't. Go to public gatherings or places of interest, where people have a common understanding of at least socializing. Having a friend already diffuses the situation or possible tension that an engagement can form.
  
  Here's the thing, work takes up like half your day. If you aren't allowed to be a normal human at work, you're going to be a miserable person. That being said, a normal person doesn't ask for a phone number after a few sentences. They at a minimum have a conversation long enough to establish that having a second conversation would actually be an enjoyable experience. That's probably not gonna happen at a TSA checkpoint and that's fine.
  
  You can become friends with regulars and then ask them out if you desire, but you also involve more of yourself at risk in the question.
  Compliment people, be normal, do it without further engagement. That is the issue, men tend not to speak up unless interested so you are easy to read. Women like surprises, it's not shooting your shot if they already saw your gun.
  Learn to appreciate the beauty of all before thinking of capturing one. You will have to communicate with them. Compliment something unique, something deliberately done, and something genuinely appreciated. By them or by you.
  Just speak up truely.
- "Cold-calling" women for dates in public is kinda sketchy in general.
  Put the effort in to getting to know them first. If you are at a point in your life where asking random strangers for a date is your best game, you need to work on yourself.
  This isn't bashing you for not being handsome/pretty, or fit, or rich. You need to go out and do things that you enjoy, try new things, and find partners who enjoy the same things, then see if they are open to dating.
  Also, mutual friends are the best for getting you a date with someone. It worked for me, and it can work for you!
  
  If you are at a point in your life where asking random strangers for a date is your best game, you need to work on yourself.
  Fuck me. This is the best piece of advice I ever heard that every single person needs to get in their heads.
  
  Just don't forget the other part. Working on yourself does not mean making yourself more appealling to your desired partner pool, it means making yourself happy with life outside of your romantic pursuits.
  
  Yeah, that's the point I always make. If you don't have social groups that expose you to new people in a safe, non-sexual environment, you have to work that out first before dreaming of having a relationship. Just go play some boardgames, join a language school, take music classes, join a rec league for your favorite sport. Hell, if absolutely necessary, why not join a Discord server about stuff you're interested in? I've met kind and available girls playing Valorant, even.
  Even if these guys somehow manage to get a few dates going with someone they "picked up", won't they just run out of things to talk about if there is nothing but work and social media going on in the guy's life?
  
  I mean, a date can be a pretty safe and tame event. It's how you might get to know someone.
  You shouldn't expect anything romantic out of such a date, and certainly makes sense to meet at the venue and the venue be very open and visible. But to say you can't even offer a chance to get to know each other without getting to know each other is a bit over the top.
  Better chances in interest themed events and activities to have a promising match of course, but there has to be some opportunity to get acquainted.
  
  There is a huge difference between "you're pretty and that's the only thing I know about you, want to go on a date?" And "Hey, we share a few similar interests and you are pleasant to talk to, and attractive, would you like to go on a date?"
  You should have a baseline beyond simply looking at them. A date is where you get to know them beyond that baseline. If it's a stranger, it isn't unreasonable to say you should have at least a few minutes of conversation before asking them out.
- I think you should try talking a bit before asking for someone's number, at least.
  Don't actually be creepy, but you can never control how people feel about something. Something that's completely fine to someone one day might be the tipping point on some other day.
  If you hit on someone just based on looks they might not take it nicely because they might be getting a lot of that!
- You're forgetting that the context. A TSA agent asks for her phone number. This creates a horrible situation. Will he detain me unjustly if I don't keep a flirty demeanor? How do I turn him down without hurting his ego so he doesn't try to get revenge.
  I think that's a huge part of it. Women have to learn to reject men softly for their own protection. I imagine it's exhausting and terrifying.
- if youre approached by a tsa agent at their work its harder to say no. its fine to shoot your shot but be aware of the time, place, social dynamic, etc.
- Good rule of thumb: Never ask someone out while you're clocked in. Especially if your job involves holding a position of power over them, or being in charge of their safety. It gives the impression that if they say "no", things could go bad for them. Things obviously won't go bad for them, but they could, because of the implication.
  
  Things obviously won't go bad for them
  I don't know, in this timeline's version of America it absolutely could go very badly.
- Imagine if a stranger the size of Shaq asked you to use your cell phone. He could just be a person needing to call someone, or he could be an asshole trying to steal your phone. Whatever the case saying no could potentially put you in a bad situation if they decide to get upset, and saying yes could also potentially put you in a vulnerable situation where you have no power.
  I think most guys forget the power imbalance that just being physically larger creates between the sexes. Im not the size of Shaq, but i am a big dude who is larger than most dudes on a similar scale compared to how most men are bigger than most women. I have to be mindful to be as non threatening and gregarious as possible to not be intimidating, because men are just as easily unsettled by size, it's just the scaling that is different.
  Plus, no one owes you the time in their day. Approaching a complete stranger to propose some sort of relationship only tells a person that you only value them for their physical appearance, or you are the type of person who approaches anyone who they think they have a chance with.
- Read this whole thing and tries to shift the focus to himself and how it makes him feel. Amazing. Bear please.
  
  Fuck me for asking for advice. What kind of fucking monster would ask for advice.

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