Explain bidets for me please.

How do you not drip back onto it?

I have only used (and own) asian or japanese style ones and its a little jet that squirts at your puckered pink starfish, water drips back into the bowl

Do you use paper too?

Yes, I have a hairy butthole and have to pat dry

How is it okay for me to use the same one right after Typhoid Larry?

Like any other toilet seat? I don't know.

Doesn't poo go everywhere?

No, not for me, anyways.