chefdano3

1d ago

talking to my dad about depression

We actually thought about this a lot when we found out we were having kids. The thought process went kinda like to this:

throughout my life time I've often wished for death in both active and passive ways. I thought about my lot, my future and did not have the will to continue. Even through this, there were many moments and times that I have to admit I was enjoying myself. There were good times, and the hope of future good times to come is what drove me to continue.

Now that I am older, fully settled into the adult life that my choices have brought me to, my hopefulness and optimism of the future has been thoroughly crushed, and the strong wish for an end was back but this time without the means to combat it, we found out we were having kids.

The kids are blank slates, full of possibilities, full of unknowns. There are lots of people in the world, all with different experiences and different outlooks on life. Even though I am pretty much done caring about my experience, there is a small possibility that our kids will end up with a fulfilling adulthood. I happen to be fortunate to be in a position where I can provide a house, in a neighborhood with other kids their age, with people I trust. I can provide a better childhood experience than I had, and give to them things I wish I had. Should they fail to hit that tiny possibility for a satisfying adulthood, they can at least enjoy the path to get there.

It's not easy for me, money is tight, work situation is tenuous, uncertain, and I live on the brink of collapse every day, but if I can do it, I can at least take my miserable life and use it for giving something great to my successors, even if it ends for them, the same way as has for me.