canadianchik @ canadianchik @lemm.ee

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3

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33

Joined

2 mo. ago

I know I made a mistake and he knows it was just a mistake and that my intentions were never to hurt him. His main concern is that he thinks I’m going to unintentionally hurt him in the future which I’m trying to accept but it makes me so mad. He knows how insane I went from hurting him. I hurt myself, I was in the ER because I was so stressed and hurt that I was having so much heart pain. He knows this. I wish he could believe me that I’ll never hurt him again. We are sort of texting about everything, probably for closure and stuff. I do want him back but I am also scared at the same time. He means a lot to me

Thank you. I don’t know how to stop beating myself over it. It’s been 4 days and this guilt inside me is eating me up. I feel like a bad person and that I broke someone I care about so much. I can’t believe he wants to end it over this. We are texting about our feelings and opinions right now but I’m still devastated. For some weird part, I’m kind of glad he hurted me at the end when I wanted to talk but he wanted to do sexual stuff because I feel used, maybe part of me thinks I’ll move past it quicker because of this? I’ve been used all my life, I’m kind of used to this feeling now. He knew everything about the old men, he just didn’t know up until 4 days ago that the first guy sent me dick pics and stuff and trust me, it traumatized me where I was physically gagging and saying ew. The most recent guy asked me for my Instagram and then he would help me so I gave it with no thought and sent the go fund me link and he asked for photos, said check my Instagram cuz I won’t send any (in respect to my bf) and he immediately sent me a dick picture. That’s where he got upset. That I didn’t tell him about the first guy sending stuff (but he knew that I was sending fake nudes so part of me thought he’d expect something to be sent as I was fake flirting for money)

After that happened I said no more sexual and that the second guy was actually just to talk and he actually sent me money, that’s where he told me he didn’t want me doing it unless it’s through GoFundMe. That’s why I didn’t think much of giving my Instagram. I was dumb. I made a mistake.

I just feel like a liar in some way? I have always been open and honest to him and I’ve told him so many things that no one knows. When I went out with my friend and her boyfriend and his roommate was going to be there, I even let him know that and asked if he was going to be okay with it. I told my friend if he wasn’t then I wasn’t going to go. I would never want to do anything to hurt him.

But I did so many bad things :( I can’t bear to process it and it’s eating me up. I hurt him so much when they sent me pictures. I know I didn’t ask for it but it’s partially my fault for even texting them in the first place. I feel like an asshole

Why did he have sex with me and cuddle and all, and then the next day everything hit him and he wanted to end it . I’m going feral over this and I can’t sit on it. I wanna cry. I self harmed the other day after not doing it for years because I felt so bad for hurting him. I hate that he thinks I’ll unintentionally hurt him again.

I know. I feel like an idiot for having sex. Part of me felt like there was hope in the relationship. I was always used by men in the past. Had someone tell me I wasted three hours of their day (hanging out) cuz I didn’t suck their dick for three minutes when they dropped me off. It was disgusting. He knows of my Past and I think it’s now killing me that we did all that stuff and then I felt like a shitty person the day after. I just told him that but I don’t want him to think I’m gaslighting him or anything

Yes I am aware of that now after he told me he was uncomfortable with it. I understand his perspective 10000%.. I stopped and the mistake I made was giving a guy my Instagram cuz he said he would sent me money but sent me a dick pic. And not telling my boyfriend the first guy sent me graphic content too and I was traumatized from it

he doesn’t really care for that. He just didn’t like how I gave him a fake number at first. We were on the call the whole time when he asked and I cried and told him I had to tell him the truth and then said it. I told him two days ago I couldn’t even remember 15 if it’s the right amount or not and that it could be more but he said he sees it as more sad that I didn’t see my self worth at that time. What’s red pill ideology?

Thanks, I understand this. I never sent anything of myself, so I saw it more as “help” or a “scam” as I was sending fake nudes of the internet. I know many people do this with their boyfriends to make money. He didn’t like it which I get because we have to respect each other’s boundaries and I don’t care about the money anymore. I don’t know how to win him back. What hurts me a lot is that we met up to talk about it, hugged in bed for a while, told him let’s talk and he didn’t want to but we had sex and cuddled and did everything all night and the next day before leaving is when he said it. I feel like this isn’t fair

The first guy I might have entertained back for money (he spoke German so I had to translate every sentence ) so I can’t even remember what I said but I did say I wanted the money now and we spent three days arguing about it and then I blocked. Then I told him haha the photos were fake u idiot and he said the same and I said idgaf about ur photos and blocked. My boyfriend is obviously upset about it. I never wanted any photos. I felt bad for the third time cuz I gave my Instagram to someone because they said they’d help with $ and asked for my Instagram and then told me to sent pics of me and I said it’s on my Instagram I’m not sending anything and then they sent a dick pic and said “like this” or something and I said ew and blocked.

I deleted my TikTok already without him asking and he said TikTok isn’t the problem. He’s upset that they sent sexual stuff back. I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t care for the money, I never knew how it would hurt him and I couldn’t care less for money, even if I had 2 cents in my account. I care about him a lot. He thinks I will unintentionally hurt him again.

But ur not reading the part where I texted old men for money? I am so mad at myself. I ruined him and us. I genuinely can’t stop crying. I’m trying to win him back. He doesn’t care about body count anymore. I never once asked that question to anyone in my life either because I don’t judge people on their past. He’s just not happy that I lied about them sending sexual stuff but I never wanted that. I told him about the most recent one but I never said the first guy sent stuff cuz I didn’t find it purposeful. I’m broken from it.

I told him my body count was 5 initially when it’s really like 18 or something. It’s so hard to remember because I did it all to fill this dumb ass void I had inside of me. Fuck if I know, maybe it’s a bit more. I genuinely don’t know. All I know is that I don’t have any STDs because I always got tested. I hate when that question came up because it opens a dark path from my life. He’s scared he won’t be able to trust me again.

No he never hurt me. He doesn’t care about my body count he said he just finds it upset that I didn’t see myself worth more than what he see’s. I was the asshole for texting people for money. I never wanted to see their fucking dicks I just wanted money and I did stupid things for money. I don’t know how to win him back. I texted him more but he hasn’t responded yet. It’s honestly eating me up alive. I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that. I just wish I can rewind the clock. I have been open to him with everything, I just didn’t tell him about that one first guy sending me stuff because I didn’t think he would care or how he would feel as I only did it for money. I see everything clearly now and I don’t know what to do. He’s all I have and he’s all I care for. I don’t want to talk to anyone else