This is me except it's because of a trail of adminitrative failures leading to my blood tests STILL NOT FUCKING ARRIVING YET ARGGGGHHH
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- 3 mo. ago
- Posts
- 5
- Comments
- 175
- Joined
- 3 mo. ago
So pretty!!!
- JumpNSFW
Hi, I'm Nissa
Just a quick note to say thanks for the story. It resonated with me a lot. Especially the line
the times I felt male, I really just wasn't feeling particularly dysphoric
And the feeling of crossdressing not feeling right because it can really make you feel how male your body is and that can be more distressing.
Thanks for this update. I'm so happy to hear about your wife's reaction. My partner has been an incredible rock for me and is making the process joyful even when the outside world is harsh. You got this Nissa! I hope you stick around and keep posting.
I don't feel sad about it, but it's crazy that any true relationship with her is just... done in my head.
I remember that happening to me with me dad. It wasn't related to my identity but there was a moment where I just realised "I can't actually rely on you or count on you in any way". He went from being a parent to being a person.
I also didn't feel sad at the time, i kindof hardened up and moved on with my life, but I want to say to you that you deserved better, and you should have gotten better from her, and it's okay to take some time to mourn the fact that you weren't supported when you most needed it.
I know you will find people in your future who will become your family and be there for you. You will choose them and they will choose you. Wishing you the best.
- JumpNSFW
Hi, I'm Nissa
That's happened to me a few times reading people on here. It helps so much with imposter syndrome to see yourself in the stories of other people.
I was so paralysed by imposter syndrome before. This place and the people in it are so important to me.
- JumpNSFW
Hi, I'm Nissa
Thank you for writing this out. I'm so proud of you.
- JumpNSFW
Hi, I'm Nissa
The thing that stopped me for way too long, that kept me in the closet / in denial, was the thought that other trans people were completely certain about their identity. That they just knew.
Well it turns out most of us were very uncertain, that we had all the same doubts as you have right now. That the first steps to transition were accompanied by massive screaming self doubt and fear. Eventually though, as you accumulated more and more experience, the question "what if I'm not really trans" starts to lose its power as it becomes more and more ridiculous in the face of evidence.
Nobody can tell you who you are, that is for you to decide, but your experience sounds very similar to many trans women.
I think you have a really good idea of who you are. I think you may be more scared of how your life will be uprooted and disrupted if you go through with it. I'm not diminishing that fear. It has been terrifying for me and my circumstances sound safer than yours. The question is, is it scarier than stuffing yourself back into a box you don't fit in and pretending for the rest of your life that nothing is wrong?
I hope you can find some people close to you to confide in that will treat you with love and acceptance. It's so much easier when you're not going through it alone.
Wishing you luck Nissa.
Ada! You're a shining light. We love you.
Gorgeous! Thank you for sharing, I love seeing these incredible transition pictures.
Oof that was right in the feels.
I love that movie. It cracked my egg.
Obviously you need to chase your own joy and my list might not be relevant for you, it's just what I do. I was so deep in the closet I never tried any of this shit before though so maybe if you've been doing these things already they won't hit as hard.
My pre-hrt euphoria farming guide would be:
Shave: the first time i saw myself without body hair I broke down crying because for the first time in my adult life, I didn't vicerally hate myself and my body. The feeling of self hatred that was always always present in my life, that I thought was about weight, about lack of muscle tone etc, gone. I just couldn't stand my body hair because it was so masculine. Hair removal cream gave me good results for my chest and back when I was finding that shaving the thicker hairs was painful or irritating, but for the love of all that is holy, don't leave it on longer than the packet says! It's annoying as fuck to have do hair removal regularly but you're going to have to get used to some more routine maintenance in your future so might as well start now.
Skirts. They go spinney. Long maxi skirts work on literally any figure. If you have a place that is safe for you to experiment, buy some fuckin skirts and spin around in them. Didn't think I needed them, thought I'd be fine in jeans, tried one once, now jeans are the tyrannical enemy of joy. Skirt squad 4 lyfe. See also, tights/fishnets/stockings/leggings etc.
Makeup. Put on makeup, you'll look cute as fuck. I'm still shit at putting it on but eye shadow and lipstick and mascara are fucking glorious. Foundation is still a cosmic mystery to me. I might be too old for it. Who cares.
Nails. Get some colours you like, and get some clear base and top coat plus nail polish remover and cotton makeup remover pads (the good, thick kind that doesn't disintegrate on contact). I literally stare at my hands for significant time these days, it's like huffing gender euphoria (maybe that's the fumes from the nail polish remover, who can say?).
Accessorise: jewellery, bracelets, chains, hats, whatever. But a load of cheap things and see what you like, you can always get the good quality shit later, this is about having fun and experimenting with low stakes.
Let yourself try things as much as you can, you probably don't know yet what you really want because you've not let yourself have it. Im here to say, take it, it's all yours. Discard what you don't want, and follow the feeling of happiness. Make yourself safe first (alone, in private, or with trusted people), then embrace the cringe for a bit. You can worry about being cool again later. Be a teenager for a while.
Good luck Dandelion! Rooting for you always.
Here's a comedian doing 10 mins on her autism test experiences, she specifically brings up the tags thing you just talked about. If you have no interest feel free to ignore, but i think she's very funny.
I just did the test you linked again. I always seem to land in the ASD 1 bracket, but also score nearly 100% on the parts that overlap with ADHD (or if i do an ADHD test i usually score as high as possible).
I think that ADHD can mask autism. For example, if you see me in a social situation with other ND, queer, creative and artistic or nerdy people, I tend to do fine beacuse we can have discussions that matter, that both of us care about. When I have to be in a social situation where I might have to mask my personality and talk about stuff I dont care about (small talk) I want to scream and poke my own eyes out to make it stop.
I think I fall into a "low masking" category. I can't mask well, and if I feel like I need to mask my personality I start immediately building intense anxiety and start to panic. I have meticulously curated my life so that I never have to do anything like that. I do not associate with people that require me to mask, I have crashed out of every job I've ever had that requires me to be in the office and do professional small talk. I'm now self-employed and i work from home which works much better for me.
What this means in practice for the assessments, is that if I imagine my life as it is, I can truthfully answer "yes I'm pretty good in social situations and I enjoy socialising", but that's only if it's with my good friends, or people who I can relate to, or people i find fascinating or cool. This masks the fact that I'm absultely useless in other social situations. So I try to answer those questions by first imagining that the social situation is not one of my ideal ones, maybe there's are many unfamiliar people there and I don't feel like I have much in common with them. Maybe it's a wedding or a funeral and random distant family members are trying to make small talk based on nothing.
So I guess if i had some advise based on my experience it would be to remember the test probably defines "party" as something like "your office christmas party where you have to talk with Sheryl from accounts about whatever office drama she's trying to stir up". Not a cool party like the ones I go to where half a dozen gender-non-conforming nerds play multiplayer games on a massive projecter in one of their living rooms.
P.S. I hope I wasn't being shitty with the joke about your long comments. Please know I love your long comments and they help me and many other people and I love you for posting them.
I would really love to get properly assessed but I live in the UK and the public option is pretty terrible (but hey it could be worse, I could also be trans! 😭).
I think you're right though, the surveys are supposed to be a starting place for clinical assessment, rather than the 'test' that determines your diagnoses. On their own you can only say stuff like "75% of diagnosed autistic people score in this range". You can't say "you scored this therefore you are autistic". I find the tests helpful, but I recognise their limits in the absence of a full assessment.
I feel personally attacked. Don't worry I realised eventually.