I'm on the spectrum. How do I live the rest of my life?

long post

I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.

If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.

I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.

Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless."

This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It's also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.

I've been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don't fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that's sticking to 5 year old level politics and what's the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don't fight will lose, but it's so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.

I don't know.

Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that's something they don't want, because that's what's good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don't see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.

I'm living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I'm seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I'm always the odd one that lacks potential.

"If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose."

yup. I always lose.

If you're a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I'm overreacting, it's not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?

But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?

I don't mean the question as a financial one: I'm a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I'm not unemployed, don't have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I've been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener...

It's about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don't bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.

My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don't know if that would be good or bad. It's not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.

48 comments

Being on the spectrum is not the problem.
You might have other mental issues as well. Since i am not a licensed psychiatrist or therapist I won't tell my assumptions. Please seek for professional help.

They don't see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.
As an introverted person who is also at least a bit on the spectrum, I really don’t think this is true. I’m very open about being introverted and needing to leave when my battery is depleted or turning things down when I need solo time, and I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced a negative or rude reaction from it. You already sound like you’re pretty misanthropic and tbh kind of a dick; I’d wager the people you’re having negative interactions with are picking up on that rather than your introversion.
- I’d wager the people you’re having negative interactions with are picking up on that rather than your introversion.
  I don't know, my soon to be former workplace is like a primary school: established coworkers settle in, start yelling, are obnoxious, care about ludicrously stupid stuff I simply don't care about. This goes on for 30 minutes. every day.
  I'm trapped: if I leave for these 30 minutes they go find me to ask what am I doing, usually reading something interesting on my smartphone without them yapping.
  Gossiping has already started at this point.
  To avoid this I've settled for reading what interests me together with them which is not as good as it sounds but apparently placates them.
  I still don't understand how adults can behave so childish.

Why are other people and societal expectations so important to you?
- I wouldn't phrase it that way but if you must I'd concentrate on people. Societal expectations are not important to me, it's not something I strive to follow. Where did you get that from? Societal expectations are a form of unconscious, self imposed control.
  To you question,about people: what bothers and triggers me is people constantly asking why I don't talk more, why they feel offended if I answer asking why they talk so much, also feeling offended if I prefer to do my pause alone instead of with them, the talking behind my back which to me equals being unauthentic, misidentifying lack of interest in their lives and wanting to simply do my job as hostility.
  Other people are not important to me because I care about them (at least coworkers). They are "important" because I care how they can make my life difficult, the unnecessary drama they create, I don't want a workplace where I have to fake interest in them so they don't feel offended and start badmouthing you.
  
  Your personality is the problem, not the fact that you're on the spectrum. I know plenty of autistic people who are very pleasant to be around, even those who are heavily introverted. If you put negative energy out towards people, they're going to give it back to you.
  
  Your description of authenticity and its importance to you is a societal expectation. The request of talking more from others is a societal expectation. The fact that you're struggling in a system where you're viewed as outside the norm is societal expectation.
  People in general expect the world and the people they interact with to be like them more or less. Your coworkers do it to you and if frustrates you, but you're doing it to them which frustrates them. You expect authenticity because you're attempting authenticity and they're expecting societal norms and are presenting societal norms.
  You aren't required to participate in their system, but it won't be easy on you.
  I do want to touch on something you said about societal expectations. You say they're a form of unconscious, self imposed control. How is your authenticity any different? Autism makes it hard to think outside a tried and true path. That rigidity is difficult to deal with, but may be worth looking into. Regardless, being authentic will be difficult in most social spaces, but that isn't an absolute. The onus is on both you and the people around you.
  
  what bothers and triggers me is people constantly asking why I don't [...]
  I have developed an answer to such questions:
  I play chess. If you know that game: when it's my turn, there are many possible moves. I can make only one. I can think about many of the other possibilities, but usually not all of them. So in the end, I decide my move, and then I am going to have one answer to the question "why did I...?" Only one is needed. And I am going to have only a few answers to all the possible questions "why didn't I...?". Maybe two or three, sometimes maybe even five of these possible moves that I decided against. But there will always be so many more possible moves (about 30 by average), where I don't know the reason why I didn't choose to make them. And in real life there are even more possibilities what I could do. Every second I do a thing, and I don't do so many other things... And that's why that question "why didn't you?" is so boring, and so useless.

Is this you? https://lemmy.world/post/33996581
You seem to share a way of typing and it is clear in both cases that being on the spectrum is not the issue here. There is an insane level of self importance and zero consideration of anyone else
- This is the problem with self-diagnoses. There is a fine line between being uncaring and being unable to care. One is a bad person, the other person is possibly BPD.
  OP, until you get diagnosed with something, leave your excuses for being a dick aside and work on bettering yourself. Even if you end up being unable, it still doesn’t mean you have Asperger’s. Because bad people still refuse to change sometimes.
- Thank you, I thought I was going crazy. Reading through this post and comments had me convinced I'd read it all before: the OP, most of the comments, etc... to the point that I thought the whole thread was just bots reposting old data to each other.

Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must?
Yes. We do what we must to survive. It's masking. I am many people. I am one person at work, I play the game of being social. I am another at home with family, I play the game of house member. I am another person with friends, I play the game of a buddy.
You decide if you want to follow the rules and earn their prizes or find another system to exist in. It's far easier said than done. I chose to follow the rules. You might not.
- I am many people.
  don't you find it tiring? It's extremely draining to me to fake being something I am not, specially if faking implies I have to act like an extroverted interested in a coworker's life, including his sexual one.
  One I had a coworker go on a full republican rant about how this country is going to sh%t, so... what do I do with people like this? I simply don't care about their beliefs.
  I like how you present this as a choice and not an imposition.
  
  I like how you present this as a choice
  And it's true. Everything you do has been your choice to do.
  what do I do with people like this? I simply don't care about their beliefs
  But don't you see the possibilities there? Your choice!
  Especially with the "ranting ones" it is so easy to give them peace (because they can hardly ever see through it): just fake a little understanding, listen just a little longer and then finish it by (for example) telling them that it was nice talking and now you are going to continue with your work.

Jobs are hard. Even if you find something that suits your skills, it may trigger sensory issues depending on what those are for you (I know some folks with issues with fluorescent lights, certain sounds, etc.)
Socially though? Find your local anarchists and get involved with whatever they're up to. I mean, this involves getting into anarchism, which may not be your thing, but I bet your local fnb will do a lot to accommodate you and be very understanding of your social issues.

I've been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don't fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that's sticking to 5 year old level politics and what's the point?
Welcome to being an adult. We all think it’s asinine. Some people get wrapped up and completely engrossed in it. They make petty office politics their entire existence. Some people play the game but only to rise through the ranks. Some people stay out of it. You don’t really fit into any of these categories, it seems. It kinda just sounds like you’re a bit of a dick. That doesn’t make you ND, some people are just kinda dicks.
And I don’t mean that as a slight. Some of my best friends I would classify as being dicks. But it’s everything else you bring to the table that matters. Are you so good at what you do that people put up with it? Or are you just kind of a dick with no redeeming qualities?
Finding reasons for being unlikeable or off-putting doesn’t change the fact that that’s how people see you. You don’t sound ND, you just sound like you don’t care to change. That’s different.
It’s not impossible to make people change their minds. Just be nice. That’s all it takes. The qualities of a nice person aren’t constantly changing and impossible to follow for ND people. You’re just making excuses.
- You don’t sound ND, you just sound like you don’t care to change. That’s different.
  the people who criticize me are not that important to me that warrant I change to some version of what they consider better. I've reached a point where it doesn't make sense anymore to try to be a better, more knowledgeable professional but simply finding a job where people leave me alone. At least I'd be happier.
  I guess I'm full misanthrope now
  I guess it's 'good' I can 'change' if I so decide? but really, change, for what?
  
  I guess it's 'good' I can 'change' if I so decide? but really, change, for what?
  Read Books on ethics, not a book about whether you being rude and off putting means you’re neurodivergent.
  You don’t have to socialize. But being a decent person means sacrificing your comfort for others’ sometimes. I’m definitely a huge introvert. But just because I’d rather be alone doesn’t mean I’m an asshole to others. Some people don’t get introverts, it just doesn’t compute for them. You can choose to be an asshole to those people—they’re not doing anything to try to hurt you—or you can choose to be decent. You’re just choosing the former.

I am coming to grips with this myself. Not that I’m exactly in your shoes or anything, but I’ve kind of ignored ADD and realized that I’m probably on the spectrum as well.
…It’s already wrecked my life. Big time.
I don’t have great advice. But the two things I might suggest, that I’m trying to work on myself, are:
Be mindful. Be conscious of your own limitations and tendencies, and catch/steer yourself before they become a problem. Simply knowing you are on the neurodivergence spectrum is huge, as opposed to falling apart and not understanding why.
Be non combative. It’s easy to get frustrated with how shit and incompatible things are, and so on, but I’m finding a more ‘relaxed’ attitude is helping me. Don’t let people get under your skin: who cares what they think, beyond the bare minimum they require from you? Focus precious attention on people (and things) you like, instead.

@vestmoria@linux.community
While I'm not sure if I'm within the autistic spectrum (I seem to match some of the traits), it called to my attention how you described your resonance with all the traits being described by the referred book:
It’s like the book I’m reading describes me.
Because it's the exact same sensation I personally have with something else: Geschwind syndrome.
I was never properly diagnosed with anything as well. Many diverging diagnoses were given to me, from GAD to Burnout, all the way to Schizotypal personality disorder (during a time of heightened spirituality involving a sudden discovery of Lilith)... Until the last two psychiatrists didn't even give me a diagnosis. The penultimate one literally said it's who I am, "a non-conformist and rebellious person".
Of course I got confused about how I was being given diverging diagnoses, so I tried to do my own research on the matter. This led me to this syndrome, the controversy surrounding it, and the traits associated with it:
Hyperreligiosity: especially lately, after I left Christianity and went full opposite direction towards Left-hand path (particularly Luciferianism), eventually getting a sudden gnosis from a powerful feminine energy who I later found to be Lilith and Her many archetypes.
Hypergraphia: this reply is a proof. I not just love writing and expressing, but I oftentimes feel the urge to do it. Not just writing but drawing and coding (maybe my programming career stemmed from this)
Philosophical rumination: even back in the far past when I was an atheist, philosophical musings and abstract thinking kind of always was a part of me.
Hyposexuality: I have this inner fight between me and my own biological vessel, the latter wanting to follow its biological programming and the former wanting a more... spiritual and submissive... kind of intercourse, one that involves gnosis and near-death experience upon me. I don't know what intimacy is and oftentimes I don't really want to know.
Circumstantiality (a.k.a. non-linear thought): I guess there's some examples of circumstantiality in my reply.
There are other traits I don't remember, but those are the main. It's like a bingo to me.
But here is where things get complicated: it's neurological rather than psychiatric, it has something to do with temporal lobe epilepsy, and the lack of visible seizure means it's something to be diagnosed through prolonged EEG and CT scans, and it's not simply, not cheap, and as it's not scientifically "proven", neurologists are divided between those who "believe" in Geschwind syndrome and those who don't.
On the other hand, I feel like being diagnosed and possibly "treated" would take away many aspects that I do like on myself, especially my leaning towards spiritual and high-level, cosmic matters.
There are bright sides to being neurodivergent, even though I'm stuck to a demiurgal world that seems to prioritize neurotypicals, where I must seek Sophia, I must seek Lilith.

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