23h ago

i'm experiencing gender confusion, can someone help me out?

of course, i need help, not for someone who can say definitely, because only i can.

ok, so i'm born female, but i don't identify as such. honestly, i think i align myself somewhere on the "man" part of the spectrum, but i feel very "soft" and "tender", i guess that means i don't feel a sense of hypermasculinity or a strong sense of gender.

part of me seems to be male aligned and the other part just feels soft like i say, no specific gender. rather, i'd say a gender but not one that counts as male or female. since i can't express my gender, i say i'm just me, but i do get curious what gender i would count as. i'm just me in the end, but still.

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I'm an old, so take this with a grain of salt. (But also I have experienced gender confusion myself. Maybe that qualifies me for something.) Here goes:
I don't understand why it's important to people to identify their gender so specifically to what they feel. I'm a man, but I don't always feel like the stereotype of a man. I often get a little giddy at sparkly pretty things, for example. I would like to wear dresses sometimes. I do not like the chest thumping guys do. In other words, I sometimes act or feel in ways that people call womanly. But I'm not a woman, and I'm okay with that. I'm a guy. A guy who sometimes acts "womanly" or "feminine", true, but that contrast is not my problem, it's a problem with the way society understands gender, right?
I 100% believe that some people are born with a body that does not match their gender. I know that to be true. But I also think sometimes people feel like they don't fit the mold they hear society telling them they should fit and conclude that therefore they are not the gender they were assigned at birth. Why give "society" so much power over such a personal, individualized, experience?
But, you know, the world we live in is a group effort and there are others who do not feel the way I do. Some people want that ability to label who they are in a way that the old school labels can't provide, and maybe those people will be the ones to shape the future of our understanding of gender.
- Love the theory that the whole gender discussion is more about society having molds like hyper masculinity than a real change in the absolute number of people experiencing gender dysphoria. Helps me understand the sudden pervasiveness of the whole thing and why the counter culture is that extreme.
  Toxic masculinity has to go.
  
  Agreed! Get stuffed, toxic masculinity!

I hope this isn't offensive to say, but the whole "gender" thing kind of confuses me as a concept. I am AFAB. I am not particularly feminine and I don't identify with feminine things. Yet I am not masculine and I don't identify with masculine things either. Some people might say...oh "so you identify as agender or nonbinary, right?"
Well no, actually. I guess like...I just don't understand why "masculine" or "feminine" now often (but not always) equate to "male" or "female". I personally identify as female because I am AFAB. I'm not bothered by it. I don't identify as feminine though.
It's just like...I'm me. My "gender" or how I choose to present myself doesn't matter to me. Identifying as female lets my medical providers know what organs I have and what diseases are relevant to me. When my bits don't matter, I just either go with the default assigned to me ("female") or I don't bother to correct people if they assume otherwise (like if people online think I'm male, I just go with it).
Idk. I more than support anyone's ability to want to be called a certain thing, to want to express themselves a certain way, etc. I more than support transgender and nonbinary peeps. I just will never fully and entirely understand why people feel so strongly about these distinctions.
But I love you all and support you. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I'm just a confused AFAB person.
- Huh. I just wrote a very similar comment before seeing yours.
  
  Hey, twins! I read your comment and thought it was very well stated. I have such similar thoughts and feelings about the whole thing! It's like...just be you! Don't worry about the details of what "fits" or doesn't.

I believe lousyd and dingus said almost everything I came in here to say.
Growing up I never felt like one of the "boys". It felt like even in prepubescence there was an expectation for boys to act a certain way, but I never fit that mould.
Whilst I enjoyed boyish things like playing football, when it came to the social side of things I always preferred talking to girls and indulging in their activities (at that age, it was silly things like making daisy chains and stuff).
Thankfully, my parents taught me from a very young age that society has its problems, but that society should never hold power over how I express myself: always be kind, never hurt anyone, but don't take people's shit either.
Through adolescence I would also do many things that most people wouldn't consider "normal" or "manly". On the rare occasion I'd play with my sister's Barbie dolls, I kept a diary (which I only ever really saw as being a 'girly' thing thanks to mainstream media), but it never even occurred to me that doing all this stuff made me anything other than a "boy".
Society wants to put labels on everything to make shit really digestible, but finding a label to put on yourself may not be any kind of magical mystery cure to the uncertainty you may feel about your gender.
The problem with labels in general is that once you have one, it creates an internal dissonance if you don't conform to the norms of that label. "Why aren't I like other girls?" is a perfectly valid question when society has told you in no uncertain terms what a girl should be, and then realising you don't fit that stereotype, but you could replace 'girl' with any other label in that question and still find yourself at odds with societal norms.
In the end I'm just "me", and you are you, and whilst this feels like it goes against the grain of society at present: understanding that you don't need to add labels to yourself can bring your own sense of inner peace.
If someone asks you "Oh, are you non-binary?", "Are you asexual?", "Are you [whatever]?", it can be rather liberating to be able to say "dunno, don't care, if that's what you wanna call me, you do you" or words to that effect.
tl,dr; fuck society, you do you ❤️

Just say youre non-binary.
- thanks!

Eh, there's no single term for that "in between" zone of the gender slider. Non binary tends to be the best blanket term, imo, but the reality is that it's the best we got.
Fwiw though, softness and tenderness are part of manhood too. Those aren't gendered traits, though it is true that there seems to be a proclivity towards them on the feminine end.

Trans gal here! For a time I identified similarly to your last paragraph. I wasn't sure what I was was, but I didn't feel particularly male or female. I told people I was nonbinary because I wasn't sure where I was in that mix for a more specific label.
Eventually I realized that I aligned as more of a tomboy in fashion, but my identity felt firmly female despite my shifts in expression. That was my journey, wishing you luck on finding yourself!

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