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  • Religious people control their kids through the village support system of their church. Some kids are learning things at public school which are not in line with those beliefs. This is scary for parents. Parents don’t want to lose their children, and can’t imagine loving them as somebody else. Case in point Elon And his trans daughter Vivian.

    I’m quite liberal and atheist, but the prospect of a transitioning child is troubling to me. While I’d have no problem supporting a gay child, I feel very strongly about body acceptance, and I reject body dysmorphia. Transitioning to another gender is to me, not too different from a woman who wants augmentation surgeries or a man who is taking steroids. That said I could care less what anybody else does. I think cosmetic surgery and steroids should be legal. I don’t think the government needs to be involved. It’s a decision to discuss with a child, doctor, and parent.

    I guess what I’m saying is, I can empathize with the transphobia of conservatives. Where we differ is in how we deal with that fear. They want the government to make society conform to their beliefs. I think it’s up to the individual parent to grow the love in their heart to accept and love whatever their child decides to be.

    • I just want to say as a trans person, first off, your views are very valid. I think it’s actually great that despite your misgivings you respect the principle of bodily autonomy, which I very much agree with myself. Totally think this is a good take.

      I also wanted to give my 2 cents on the experience itself. You liken transition to body modification, and there definitely are parallels. But in my experience, the two are distinct. Like, I have both dysmorphia at times, and dysphoria at others. I’m not 100% happy with my body after transition, but now it’s like, less because I look like a guy and more because I look like a girl but, maybe not with the ideal body I wanted. When that first hit me, my wife told me “welcome to womanhood” and I laughed a little (and cried a little) because it was true, I’d never known a woman who didn’t struggle with her body image.

      I also just, can’t really explain how much my mental health has improved. I had terrible anxiety when I entered puberty, and it wasn’t about gender or anything (that I was aware of at the time, anyways). It was almost just like my brain started malfunctioning. I got quieter, I overthought everything, I self medicated with weed and alcohol, became kind of aimless. Then I turned it around, got my career going, got married, worked on myself. I still drank to take the edge off and be able to socialize, but put on a face at parties and figured out how to push through the anxiety. I tried therapy, medication, meditation, you name it, but it never really got too much better, I just got better at working around it.

      I had kinda given up on there being an “answer”. I just figured, you know, this is life for me. Not bad, just hard. And then this thing happened, where a lot of stuff I had been pushing down all came up at once. And I transitioned.

      I really, really didn’t think it would “solve” things. Like, I thought it felt right, that it would make things better. But I was trying not to get my hopes up. And at first it didn’t, like hormones didn’t really immediately fix everything. It was more subtle. It was like.. like slowly waking up from a long and tiring nightmare. The kind you don’t remember much of, you just keep that vague sense of unease for a while.

      It’s been a year and a half. I can go to parties and not drink now, and just, relax. Have fun. Socialize. I can make friends and talk to strangers. I still have anxiety, I still have problems, but like, my brain just works better. I don’t know how else to describe it. I make connections I never did before, understand people and empathize with them more.

      I feel happy. Not in a like, “this is new and exciting” kind of way, but a sort of deep contentedness. Peace.

      I don’t think this is a silver bullet. It doesn’t solve all your problems, and it sure as hell won’t solve anything for a cis person. It just helps to take a constant burden out of the way. And for me, even if there had been 0 physical changes, I would 100% take estrogen just for the mental effects it has had alone. It’s been the best mental healthcare I have ever received.

      • I appreciate your story and I’m really happy for you. I think if I was child free I would just say hell yes I support everybody to be themselves. But being a parent makes me more protective and cautious and concerned and if I’m being honest I kind of hate that change in myself. It’s so easy for me to say I support autonomy but I already know that it won’t be when my child is asserting their own autonomy. I know that parents don’t have control, only influence, but it’s hard for me to walk that fine line.

        • Yeah, I get that. I again want to take a second to acknowledge that children are hard when it comes to this stuff. I absolutely understand that people have hesitation around considering minors transitioning, I think that’s really valid and it’ll probably be a common feeling for decades, if not longer. I want to be a parent soon myself, and even though I’m trans, I’ve thought about “what if my kid is trans?” And tbh that gives me a lot of anxiety and worry. I’d much rather not have to deal with that 😅

          My path was also not 100% clear. Some trans people describe knowing since they were 4, or 8, or as soon as puberty started. I didn’t really start questioning until 19-20 or so, and I didn’t transition until 32. I would say I knew something was off for a lot longer, but it took me a while to figure out what that was. It was also a very confusing process, and I tried literally everything before accepting this. I remember being a teen and a young adult and thinking “this is it, this will fix things” so many times, only for it not to work out. It’s why I had given up.

          So I really get why it’s like, scary to let someone who’s still growing and learning make decisions that will change their path permanently.

          At the same time, that journey was really, really hard. There were times I wasn’t sure I would make it. I got into some really bad places, mentally and in real life. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier, if I had figured this out sooner. And I do believe there are people who know much sooner, who just have that sense internally that they are a different gender, a much stronger internal compass than mine. That would have been torture to deal with if I had known that.

          I lost a brother to suicide, and I know a lot of trans youth are at risk. So all of that and my own experience is why I really feel that this path should be navigated between the parent, the child, and their doctors. It’s just not going to be an easy process, no matter what, and I don’t think anyone can do it perfectly. I don’t blame parents who hold back on affirming strongly, but I do hope in time there’s less worry and fear about this, as we spread knowledge and our experience. Especially around social transition and just trying things out and experimenting. That’s the best way to get more real information - does the child actually like living as the opposite gender, doing things like that? If they do, it’s still scary, but you know that they aren’t just imagining the grass is greener. And if not, then cool! It really was “just a phase” lol.

          Thanks for listening, it’s very much appreciated ❤️ you sound like a good parent and a kind person.

          • How to be supportive without being encouraging. How to stand firm without being inflexible. How to allow freedom but also supervision. There’s no manual for this stuff, and it seems like “experts” write advice for the extremes, not for the middle ground.

            • Yeah, like, even generally those are really tough questions. And every kid is different right? Even among my brothers, I had 5, and they were all different. One was a rebel, one was a golden child, one was a space case... it's not really possible to be perfect.

              But if you're talking specifically about gender and exploration, I can share my thoughts there. I'm not a parent yet, so I haven't gone through this, but here's how I would approach it I think:

              First, let's talk about social experimentation and transition. All of this is pre-medication and would be the first steps of things generally. This is a time to figure out what they want by trying things out, which is something we all do during childhood and adolescence. It can start at any time, and it can fizzle out or keep going.

              • In general, I would let my kids play with and wear whatever they wanted from a young age. I think it's important for them to have independence, and I also think that really by pushing them to dress "appropriately" for their gender, you kind of are encouraging that behavior (and implicitly discouraging them exploring themselves). Especially at a young age, kids just decide they like random things in my experience and letting them do that sets them up to not have like, a feeling that it's "forbidden" for lack of a better word, AND especially it lets your kid know you're safe. That if they want to try things out more when they're a teen or later, they can trust you to talk about it and try to work it out together.
              • To be clear, I would not encourage my kids to experiment or try things at a young age. In fact, I would probably not encourage it at any age. The impulse or the idea should come from them, I wouldn't want to plant the seed of it. In fact, that's kind of the "prime directive" that we follow as a trans community: Even if someone seems to be struggling with their gender and asks you if their trans, you have to tell them that this is something only they can figure out. I can tell them about my experience, what I went through, etc. But even if they're telling me every single symptom of gender dysphoria, the most I would tell them is something like "this really sounds like it could be, you should definitely be seeing a therapist about it and try to work it out and think on it."
              • If my kid did bring up the idea of trying something out - like wearing a dress or a binder, trying on makeup, cutting their hair - I would make it clear that I think that's completely ok. I would not necessarily encourage it. Like, if they said "I'm thinking about cutting my hair short" I wouldn't say "oh definitely, you should try that, you've never had short hair!". I would instead say something like "for sure, if that's something you wanna try that's cool. Let me know, I can take you to a barber." Or if it sounds like they really want to, but are nervous, I might say "well it sounds like it's something you want to try. If you're worried what other people think, I don't think that should hold you back, it's completely ok to try things out."
              • If it moves forward to full on social transition - that is, trying out a new name and different pronouns, etc. I would respect whatever they asked me to call them and expect others to do that as well. Honestly I would probably like to be part of the name-choosing process, it feels only fair haha! But one thing here is that I would NOT expect everyone else to always get it right, and I would NOT accept them being like, super upset if someone is really trying and they mess up. As a teen I would react way more emotionally to small missteps like that, but as an adult... I misgender myself a lot, lol. Like, I think for a lot of people it's just mental muscle memory, and it takes time. And this is especially true if they're like, trying tons of new pronouns or names or switching things up constantly. Like, you can't both expect everyone to always get it right AND for there not to be a learning period 😝
              • In all of this, if they try things out and don't feel happy, I would point that out. If my child thought they were trans and started socially transitioning, but then started really complaining about the things they had to do now, or complaining about missing certain things, I'd note that. I'd specifically be looking for if they were missing certain things due to their new gender role. Like, "I miss playing my sport" is different than "I miss hanging out with the guys and being one of them", if that makes sense. And if that came up, I would just point out that there's no reason they can't do the thing and be trans. Like, if they want to be a guy but wear dresses, or want to be a girl but play football, at least in theory those things should be fine, because from my perspective those aren't inherently gendered.
              • IMPORTANT NOTE: If the reason they can't do certain things that don't align with their new/old gender is due to society's rules, then that's a modifier here. There are high schools that let girls play football and places where it's acceptable for boys to wear feminine clothing, and there are not, whether we like it or not. So if they're like "I'm trans, but I still want to do a thing that's not allowed by my old gender", I WOULD NOT say "well, that's the rules, that's what happens because you're transitioning". That puts me on the side of people that made, from their perspective, unjust rules. I would instead say "yeah, that really sucks, I don't think there's really a good reason for them to have those rules, other than I think I'd worry for your safety because society is going to discriminate against you if you break them." Hear them out, let them vent, let them know you support them, but that those are things that just might not change.

              So basically, let them try things out, respect whatever they're doing at the time, let them know they have permission to try things out (within reason). The important thing here is that all of these things are easily reversible. They could decide to try something out one day, and change it back the next. So, there's really not much harm in trying things out, unless we get all the way to like, legally changing their name or something.

              So, onto more permanent things, specifically medical treatment.

              • First off, I would find a doctor and therapist that is experienced with trans and gender non-conforming youth, and I would also look into and follow the WPATH guidelines (they're the organization that recommends standards of care for trans adults and minors). These would help me set a baseline of what typical treatment looks like and what to expect.
              • Surgeries would not happen until they're an adult. They can wait for that, and frankly a lot of surgeries should wait until they're older, they are a lot to put on a person.
              • Hormones I think I would be ok with at a normal time for puberty, AFTER at least a year (and ideally several years) of social transition and blockers. So like, 16 I think is probably the right age, and plenty of people really hit full on puberty a bit late so I think that would be fine. But if they didn't figure this out until they were 17, I would tell them they should try to wait at least a year before they start hormone therapy, and that maybe we could do hormone blockers in the meantime.
              • Hormone blockers are trickier. I would trust medical experts the most here, but it makes sense that in general you want to give the child as much time as possible to try things out socially and make sure this is right for them. So, I would probably be ok with starting them when puberty in general starts, and continuing as long as there no major side-effects. And I would absolutely be doing my own research into them to make sure it was safe, wouldn't have long term effects, etc.

              So to sum that up, I would generally be conservative in the sense of trying to give as much time as possible before they make any permanent decisions, and I would do my research and really try to make sure that nothing they're doing is going to cause permanent harm. But I would also trust my child's doctors and medical team here.

              That's how I feel about it all right now at least. Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions about this, and like I said before, I think if you were looking at this and saying "well I get why that works for you, but I wouldn't want to buy my 8 year old son a dress" or "I think my kids would have to wait until 18 to do anything medical," I do think those are understandable feelings and I would respect the right, as a parent, to parent your kid in the best way that you can. Every kid is different, every path is different, and it's really hard to know what's right. There's lots of extremes out there and sometimes I think it feels like we can't ever just not know or try our best, and the reality is, we never know and life is hard. You seem like you're trying, which is more than a lot of people 😊

    • I feel very strongly about body acceptance, and I reject body dysmorphia.

      Drag wants to take a crack at explaining this.

      The mind is a machine. We have free will, but that free will has limits. If you try to hold your breath until you pass out, you'll probably fail. Your subconscious will demand air and you'll give in. The human jaw is capable of producing enough force to bite off a finger. But you can't chew off your own finger unless you're on drugs. Your brain won't let you. We can do a lot of things with our brains, but some are hard, and under normal circumstances some are impossible.

      Accepting your body when you're five pounds heavier than you'd like is something our brains can do without that much trouble. Accepting your body when you're a hundred pounds heavier than you'd like is hard. Some people never manage to summon enough willpower to do it. Accepting your body when you're the wrong sex is, for most people, impossible. It doesn't work. The brain has limits, and those limits kick in.

    • I feel the need to add to my feelings on this, because I don’t like admitting that I am somewhat transphobic. I strongly believe in bodily autonomy and I think 18 is too old to grant it. For tattoos, piercings, health decisions and anything else relating to oneself, I think autonomy should be granted as soon as it is claimed. In some cases of teenage pregnancy, the conception itself is a declaration of autonomy, unless the parents gave permission, which would be weird. I’m not sure a minimum age can be set. I think teenagers should be able to legally divorce (reverse adoption?) their own parents too. I recognize that this is also an extreme view that would frighten most parents. It frightens me too. But I kinda feel like picking out specific issues like trans rights or abortion is ignoring an overarching issue of parental/societal control. Not too long ago it was fairly common for husbands to view their wives as property. Many if not most parents seem to view their children as property. Maybe someday that too will change. It’s not as though 18 is some magical age of self actualization. Some people will be dependent on their parents well past that age if not forever, and some people are ready to face the world alone at 15, maybe younger.

316 comments