People in their 40s and 50s with no children, how does it feel?

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Sad and empty. I love kids. I had fertility treatments for years, but that did not work out. I will start IVF again in a couple of days. Hopefully it will work this time. It is one of my last chances.
I would like to adopt or have foster kids. However, I suffer from PTSD and in my country it is very difficult to adopt or foster if you have a background with mental illness. Even though my psychologist and the people in my environment all say that they think I would be able to do it and my partner does not have any mental illness, my chances are very low.
To be honest, looking any further than the next IVF makes me panic. I do not know how to live with not having kids and how to deal with that. I had a lot of bad stuff happen to me. Having children would be something I believe would have made me very happy. It feels like I failed at life. However, I just turned 40, so I know I need to give up at some point.
- Don't give up on it! But don't stake your lives success on it.
  Me and my wife are not going to have children (she's about ten years older then you are, we had a miscarriage and left it at that) but we have it great together.
  I know it's too deaf ears atm and I really hope you'll get your wish, but please don't wager your personal happiness on it, that's disrespectful of yourself.
  
  Thank you for the kind message. It is good to hear that it is possible to have it great even after a miscarriage. I have had two miscarriages and two biochemical pregnancies. I did not really have time tomprocess this yet, as I had to continue treatment as my fertility is further declining due to my age. I think that might be part of the emotions as well.
  It is difficult for me to not wager my personal happiness on it. I have a small nephew and when I take care of him, it just makes me very happy. It makes me feel like I would be as happy or even happier with my own child. Also, I was abused as a child and I feel that I did not have parents that really loved me. It feel unfair that I am not able to experience the mother/child bond from the perspectives of a child as well as that of a motger.
  I also tried to take care of my younger siblings when I was a child. I was able to provide them with some of the emotional support my parents failed to provide, but because I was too young myself I always felt like I was not able to give them what they need. I am an adult now and I feel like I am capable now of providing children with a safe and warm environment. And I feel like I have all this love to give, but there is no child to give it to. I do not know where to put it.
  I don't know. Having a child will not fix all of this and a child does not exist to fix this or to make me happy. However, it could have been an area of my life that could have been beautiful and where I might have been able to give something and be valuable. And instead, this also does not work out and is another thing that goes on the pile of things that have failed in my life.
  I agree that staking my life's success on it is not a good idea. But I am not sure what else I have left. I am trying to become a writer and I am writing down all my experiences from my youth and with my sister who passed away and my fertility treatments, and so on. Maybe it can help some people who experience the same things. I think that might be fulfilling maybe and a way to create something positive out of the things that feel negative now.
  
  Wow that's a lot, thanks for sharing. I can only pretend to understand the hunkering you must feel.
  The 'pikte of things that have failed' mentality is the destructive part, together with the idea that having a baby would complete you (even though you acknowledge that as a false thought).
  I can't do much to help you, but wish you success. Try and be slightly more selfish for yourself outside of this idea, make yourself the child you want to show the world. Literally. We go to zoos and dunno patches and castles as those are usually places you go to with kids, but we feel like treating ourselves to it.
  Do this even though you're still in limbo as to what your womb dictates about your fate.
  Veel sterkte, succes met het opschrijven en verwerken. Heb jezelf lief en zoek de anderen op die dat ook doen!
  (Ik had je getagd als mede Nederlander vanuit een eerdere conversatie)
  
  Dank je wel voor het lieve bericht! Ik ga soms naar de kinderboerderij, dat is volgens mij een beetje hetzelfde. Meestal probeer ik mijn neefje ofzo mee te nemen, maar soms ga ik ook gewoon. Dat is eigenlijk een beetje hetzelfde. :-)
  
  Yup zorg goed voor jezelf, ik zal voor je duimen!
  
  Dank je wel! :-)

149 comments