6mo ago

is this the right way to establish boundaries with my nosy coworkers at the hospital?

read right as polite, because they get offended easily.

I’m a male nurse in a predominantly female unit.

How I see a job: I'm there to work and go home and don't want to socialize. Each of my coworkers is welcomed to talk about work with me, but I don’t disclose my personal life, age or life goals with them. Work and let me work. If you need help, call me, we’ll work together.

How my unit works: there is a group that’s childish and gossipy, don’t know boundaries and act like a clique, but maybe 50% of the unit are people that work and let me work, help me and I help them (with the gossip clique this is not always the case).

I was sick for 4 weeks and I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to establish boundaries, something I’ve never done at my current unit. Why now? Being sick I had time to think what I don’t want in my life: faking interest in the sexual life or my coworkers, knowing who started dating who or what they think of Biden or the second amendment ain’t things I care about. I’ve had a coworker trying to find me a girlfriend a week after knowing me. No thanks.

I'm entertaining other job prospects and I still don’t know if I’m gonna jump ship, so for the time being, I'm here. Where I work I’m forced to eat with the rest of the team, including the gossips, so I’m trapped (because if I don’t eat with them they’ll start asking why I’m so unfriendly or if I’m angry at them and feel offended, they simply cannot understand that sometimes I want time to unwind without them).

What I think I could tell them, next time they start with their inquisitive questions:

‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’

‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.

‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’

‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

should they keep pestering:

‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else.

And if they pester yet again:

‘leave me alone’

if by this point some of them start giving me the evil eye and afterwards start ignoring me or treat me differently, time to accelerate my transfer to another unit.

If you like keeping boundaries with your coworkers, what do you tell them that works?

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50 comments

My whole team and I work remotely, so it’s not the exact same situation as you, but I made a concerted effort from day one to set social boundaries with my colleagues. First week on the job my manager found out I’m single and offered to set me up with people. I acted very weird about it, purposefully exaggerating how uncomfortable the offer made me, and she got the hint. We have a very friendly and cordial working relationship, but she no longer pries into my personal life unless I volunteer information. Been happily working under her for four years now.
That work/life separation quickly filtered down to the rest of my colleagues, to the point where now they act a little weird when a company call starts to get personal. Mission accomplished.
I think the key thing is that you’ll never get through to people if they can’t read social cues. Sounds like your workplace cliques are filled with those types of oblivious folks, so you might just need to be completely explicit about keeping things fully professional. I’m lucky that my manager is emotionally intelligent, but that’s pretty rare these days.
Good luck!!
Edit: queues to cues
- I did the same, I'm polite, helpful and pleasant to be around. I also keep everyone at arms length and am very careful with how I phrase stuff, people in the office love me and understand I won't be sharing personal stuff and I'm not interested in their personal stuff. If they wanna talk weather, TV shows or games I'm fine with that.
  I was always polite and vague with how I declined their questions early on and eventually they got the hints.
  
  am very careful with how I phrase stuff
  I was always polite and vague with how I declined their questions early on
  would you write some examples for me to use?
  
  Someone mentioned it down the thread but I say non committal stuff like 'I'll have to sit on it' 'it be that way sometimes' 'that's interesting' 'I don't know much about that' 'not sure to be honest' 'oh yea?' 'I hear ya' 'if it makes them happy' 'that's how some people like it' 'I haven't looked into it' 'I haven't considered it' 'that's what I hear'
  It all depends on context but I use these replies to let them know I hear them without picking a side if that makes sense. It's best to act like you aren't sure or don't know when they ask about stuff.
  Here's an example from yesterday from the trump Biden debate.
  They asked me if I was gonna watch and I just said I don't know maybe, I was gonna leave it at that but they kept trying to sports team for Trump and pushing me to answer what I thought about them sitting so close. I took that chance to say I don't really talk about politics at work, all the while typing away and working. That seemed to work and they took the hint and stopped.
  It helps if you always act like you don't know/aren't sure about things.

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