3d ago

I need relationship advice? This hurts a lot

I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.

Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same

We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.

I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.

60 comments

What’s the question? You should edit it or your post will most likely get removed.
Skimming your post you seem to be 100% open with your bf except for lowering your body count. But honestly I don’t think that is bad of you because what sort of shrewd person asks this question? It seems he wants you to be something you are not and that’s not what you deserve honestly… I’m sorry that he hurt you.
- It's so gross to even care about someone's past sexual encounters. He's not a good guy, he's a 'good guy.'
  
  Exactly! I only understand this in a Protestant purity culture society otherwise it’s insane
- I told him my body count was 5 initially when it’s really like 18 or something. It’s so hard to remember because I did it all to fill this dumb ass void I had inside of me. Fuck if I know, maybe it’s a bit more. I genuinely don’t know. All I know is that I don’t have any STDs because I always got tested. I hate when that question came up because it opens a dark path from my life. He’s scared he won’t be able to trust me again.
  
  Girl, I am saying this with so much love and compassion for you- any person who is worried about body count is not worth your time. Him asking alone would be enough of a red flag for me that I would be telling him we're done if I were in your shoes. And then when he hears 5, he is sobbing? Massive red flag, I don't care how nice he may seem, he is not mature enough to be in a relationship and you deserve better.
  Sex is just a thing that two consenting adults can do, you having sex before you met him is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you are practicing safe sex. It's also pretty unhealthy for you to take on the burden of his shame over your sexual life. If you were able to get him to come back, I fear his jealousy and insecurity would be riddled throughout your relationship. I spent all of my 20's in relationships with insecure men (I am a cishet woman) and I want to try to advise you against making a similar mistake. I could have been enjoying those ten years either on my own, or trying to find someone who really valued me. But instead I took on their problems and when I look back on my twenties I SO FUCKING WISH I had broken up with those men sooner (it was 2 long term relationships, one was 6 years, the other was ~3.5 years). I don't know how old you are, but I get a young vibe and I just want you to know that you will find someone who sees your beauty and isn't worried about such trivial things. "Forced love the worst love, throw that shit in the can." -a line from YBN Cordae's song Family Matters https://youtu.be/j8Xg0Y60Tr4
  As for messaging people for money and some of the concerns about breaking his trust (as well as being accosted by online horndogs), the best you can do is learn from that outcome. I am not going to shit on people who sell companionship, whether that's just chatting, pics, or otherwise, but as you have found, men online who engage in this trade are dick pic machines. My personal takeaway is that whatever money you made was not worth the stress and the damage it wrought in your personal life. I won't, and can't, tell you not to do it, but to me it doesn't seem worth it.
  Take care of yourself first and foremost, and know your value 💖
  
  If this was all before him what is the problem. He asked you a bad question and you downplayed it and lied then told the truth and apologized(?). Is he a little Protestant boy?
  
  I'm not my wife's first. Not the biggest dick she's had. Nor any of the usual male ego things. But she loves me more than any of the others and that's the only important thing.
  Plus any time I've wanted to do anything kinky she has been game and we've had a lot of cool experiences together she hasn't had with anyone else.
  You sound really young (at least compared to my fifty) and I hope some day you and your partner can both be comfortable with each other. There's nothing shameful about how many partners you've had.
- No he never hurt me. He doesn’t care about my body count he said he just finds it upset that I didn’t see myself worth more than what he see’s. I was the asshole for texting people for money. I never wanted to see their fucking dicks I just wanted money and I did stupid things for money. I don’t know how to win him back. I texted him more but he hasn’t responded yet. It’s honestly eating me up alive. I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that. I just wish I can rewind the clock. I have been open to him with everything, I just didn’t tell him about that one first guy sending me stuff because I didn’t think he would care or how he would feel as I only did it for money. I see everything clearly now and I don’t know what to do. He’s all I have and he’s all I care for. I don’t want to talk to anyone else
  
  I have a very traumatic past with past people and my dad so that’s where my lack of love and self esteem comes from. He understands that.
  It takes years to really understand another person's trauma.
  I suspect that this trauma is what's making you feel so bad now, and the guy in question is just the conduit. Consult a therapist who specializes in both medication and talk therapy.

Your whole story makes me kinda sad or at the very least uneasy, if I'm being honest. I'm guessing you're pretty young, like gen Z. And if things are like this in general now for people growing up online, I dunno. I feel bad that you've grown up this way and this is your experience of men and relationships and shit. Although I guess I already saw signs that things were partly this way when I was younger too, going by what I heard from certain people I used to talk to.
This guy sounds insecure and kinda mean if I'm being honest. And from my perspective, the obsession with body count gives me suspicions of red pill ideology. I hope that you eventually meet someone that doesn't even ask questions like that.
- he doesn’t really care for that. He just didn’t like how I gave him a fake number at first. We were on the call the whole time when he asked and I cried and told him I had to tell him the truth and then said it. I told him two days ago I couldn’t even remember 15 if it’s the right amount or not and that it could be more but he said he sees it as more sad that I didn’t see my self worth at that time. What’s red pill ideology?
  
  Well for someone that cares so much about your feelings of self worth, he sure seems to be putting you through a hard time here. Although also, I don't really know anyone in this situation and here on the internet we'll always arrive with our pitchforks out. So I hope your assessment of the situation is right.
  Red pill ideology is basically 'manosphere' shit. Where they talk about "high value women" that can carry their babies and gender roles and shit. Like Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson and shit.

What the fuck have I just read 🫨?
- Let me summarize:
  "Gen Z was a mistake"
  
  Unchecked capitalism and technology created an environment that is not healthy to grow up in. Also, we're still apes and physical attractiveness has an unbalanced influence on our decisions. Also, we are not biologically monogamous, but many cultures indoctrinate children with those values, which confuses everyone.
  I'll say, the read was a rollercoaster I'm too old to identify with, but all of the parts are products of an unhealthy society.
  It's a challenging time in which to be a young person, much less an attractive, young woman - I'm assuming attractive if she's got that many simps.

I'm an older Gex X guy, so ignore me but im just like wtf even is this ?
Taking all of this at face value, I would suggest being more honest though, saves this pain longer term. I have never asked a woman how much dick she has taken, why is that even a question ? And who cares ? That said, I am not in the know but I expect like a Chef etc, a decent amount of experience makes you better.
As to guys giving you money and then sending dick pics... so what ?

Man, I'm not even old, but reading this post makes me feel old. And I'm certainly on the younger side of the spectrum for those who use Lemmy
There's a lot of things to unpack here, so it makes sense for me to just list them out:
your boyfriend seems to have some manosphere-esque tendencies. To me, it seems like it'll be important for you to talk about this with him. The manosphere teaches young men about false truths and causes them to interpret the world in unusual, misogynistic ways. I don't currently see any indication that he's solidly in the manosphere, but it sounds like he may be influenced by it. It will be important for him to acknowledge and refute those influences if he plans to have any form of satisfactory long-term relationship.
it's not your fault for receiving unsolicited sexual messages. Both you and your boyfriend will need to acknowledge that fact.
building on the previous point, getting sent an unsolicited sexual message does not and should not damage your relationship with your boyfriend. It's not like you cheated or broke his trust. It sounds like he may have some unclear expectations for you that are impossible to meet. I would guess that it ties back to the first point about him being influenced by the manosphere. In any case, this seems important to bring up to him.
it is definitely your fault for sending false nudes to other people. If/when you are approached with an offer that you don't like, the appropriate response is to say no, not to scam the other person.
it may not be your fault for getting unsolicited messages, but from a purely practical perspective, there are certain things that you can do that either encourage or discourage that sort of behavior. It sounds like you perform some sort of gig that tends to encourage this behavior. If you do not wish to get these sorts of messages, it would be a good idea to reconsider whether you should continue doing this gig
it's important to learn, truly learn, that a relationship partner is someone who adds on to your life, not someone who completes your life. If you believe that your boyfriend is the only good thing in your life, I would recommend that you consider that this opens you up for exploitation or abuse, either intentionally or unintentionally. It sounds like you are affirming his manosphere-esque tendencies instead of calling him out on it. This will lead to greater strife and friction in the future
- hey, thanks for your comment. I wouldn’t call him misogynistic to be honest. He has been very caring and stuff and accepting of a lot of things I’ve told him. And the whole scam thing is just sending fake nudes for money. It was only one guy and even after I sent them he never sent money so I just let him know he got sent fake nudes lol. It was never anything serious I guess u can say. It was all dumb. I know he’s not the only good thing in my life, I have my family and my school degree that I’m completing. But I won’t say he didn’t much a great impact on me because he did. He really helped me change and grow even if it was in 4.5 months. I learned a lot.

Doing things for others almost never causes a real change in behavior. You must want to change yourself for yourself, not for your boyfriend. That will actually change your behavior. Otherwise, you will find yourself engaging in the same behavior soon enough.
I personally, honestly think you should just become more comfortable with yourself and then find someone who is comfortable with who you are. It hurts, but the pain will pass. When you find someone more compatible with you, you will have to not worry about being who you are bothering them. You will safe in being completely honest about who you are, and knowing they accept you for who you are, without judgment for body count or getting paid for sexting.
Also, I personally wouldn't have any issues with any of these things if I was dating someone. A "body count" is a silly thing to care about (10? 20? 100? Who cares?) and being paid for sexting is labor because sex work is work. Go out and find someone with similar attitudes who isn't bothered by such things and cares about you for who you are. I promise you those people are out there.

I needed to start a whole new response for this section:
He’s like the only good thing in my life.
This is a problem, whether one of perception or depression, but this sentence here is a recipe for codependency.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me.
Your reactions to each other will change over time. The sexual intensity you feel now will fade as it becomes more routine. The way you think each other is fucking amazing will become tempered with reality over time. Neither of you are as awesome as the other thinks and so much of each other is still made up of your fantasies of who the other is to fill in gaps on knowledge, you know? That doesn't make either of you bad people, just human.
I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay?
Sexual contact always releases some powerful hormones for feeling good.
We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt.
I want to know what kind of mistake he thinks you made vs what you think you made. You were talking to guys for money. You're going to get dick pics. You're going to get guys who don't read or respect the boundary. That's facts. So maybe that was a mistake? But I can't tell if you are even both on the same page here.
I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
You will. He will hurt you. You will disappoint him. That's life, my friend. My wife and I don't get along all the time. She does shout that annoys the fucks out of me, Andee sometimes I can be a real asshole.
We hurt one another sometimes. If you love someone, you will hurt and you will be hurt because that's life. The goal isn't to promise perfection you'll never be able to deliver. The goal is to work together, to mutually respect one another, and talk through problems to see how to work through them together. That's it.
Good luck.
- I even offered my passwords, told him he can text them or whatever to make him feel better but he said no. After the second guy he said he didn’t like it unless it was through GoFundMe me link, and then I was stupid to give someone my Instagram because they said they’d send me money and I sent them the go fund me link on Instagram. I know that part is dumb because if they wanted to help they would’ve just done it on TikTok. But idk. I made that mistake I guess. I apologized so much. He has his insecurities and I have mine but if he had told me about it I would’ve respected it from the very begininning. He was hyping me up in the beginning 2 guys and asking me “have they sent you money yet?” So it was so hard to get it. I thought everything was fine?
  
  That can be really tricky. The only time my wife was flirting with another guy with the intent of it going somewhere (with my permission but that's all a long story)... it was exciting to me but it also made me jealous. And I didn't want to be jealous, I was excited for her, but it made me feel those things anyway.
  I know it's not at all the same situation, but I think from his perspective it's not so different. He was agreeing to other men having access to you knowing they wanted to get something in turn for paying for that access.
  So I'm not surprised his feelings about that were complex and fraught. Especially at that age. I struggled at 45, I can't imagine trying to navigate those feelings at 25.
  Just talk about it. But also it sounds like you have some emotional things to work out for yourself and it's possible you're just not ready for a serious relationship no matter how bad you want it (not for me to say or judge, but don't be afraid to discover who you are and what makes you happy without a partner because that will make you a better partner IMO).
- I know. I do suffer from depression tbh. I’m working on it and it has improved a lot. Deep down, I know I’ll manage, I’ve been through so much things and pain in my life and I bounced back. I mostly sad that out of sadness. He is one of the good things I have in my life besides my family and my friend. He grew really close to me. Like no one else ever has. Even knowing others for 3+ years. And I understand that, I know the reactions will feel different because like you said, I know it becomes more routine. Love will never be same as when you first meet someone but it’s on the two individuals to do things together to spark it up. I’ve seen my sisters and their husbands go through this. I understand this, idk if he does. I wish he can understand that things can be worked through. No one is perfect, people will upset you in any way, no matter how much you love them and they love you. I know all of this is true. I think I’m just tired of trying to win him back. I really would go back. I have lots of hope of working things out that I think are good. The sexual contact was good but it did make me feel used, but he apologized and I’m moving past it. The mistake I made was giving my Instagram out after me and him had a conversation about followers and stuff (childish I know, I regret it) and I only gave it out because they said they would help with go fund me. But they sent a dick pic, I blocked, and told him immediately. When we were talking about that, I saw he was upset about the Dick pic so I told him the first guy I was texting for money (he knew this) that he also sent stuff I didn’t wanna see. And he got mad that I didn’t tell him that. I asked if that would’ve changed anything and he said yes. He would’ve told me he’s more uncomfortable with it and I get it, I would’ve respected it. But I was equally as traumatized receiving those I just never found a purpose to tell him when I knew I was gonna block them. It’s really Immature and I would never text anyone for money ever again. He just doesn’t think he can trust me again…. Lol.

To me it sounds like renting out your time to random guys on the internet is not a good idea for yourself or your relationship. I know it's work you can do at home but I would highly suggest you stop doing it. If you need money is a conventional job an option, like Costco or Wegmans or something?
- This needs to be higher up. Enough guys on the internet are going to be creeps that it's something you need to look out for, but that risk gets even higher when they feel entitled to it by paying you for your time.
  There are a couple of breadcrumbs in the post that hint that OP's boyfriend might be a bit controlling, but nothing concrete. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone that was actively talking to random guys on the internet for money. And OP's post makes it seem like she keeps going back and forth on whether or not she's okay with accepting money..
  Not saying the guy is innocent, but OP also seems like a mess that needs to spend time to work on themselves before trying to date
- Yes I am aware of that now after he told me he was uncomfortable with it. I understand his perspective 10000%.. I stopped and the mistake I made was giving a guy my Instagram cuz he said he would sent me money but sent me a dick pic. And not telling my boyfriend the first guy sent me graphic content too and I was traumatized from it
  
  Him ending the relationship because you saw a dick pic and have had sex multiple times in the past just shows his immaturity and lack of commitment.
  You didn't cheat on him, you got sent a nude.
  It's not like you were planning an affair.
  I bet he looks at porn all the time, would you break up with him for it?
  You don't need to report every single thing that you do to him, does he honestly do the same for you?
  He's either a stupid misogynist who holds you up to higher standards than he sets for himself, or he's just looking for an 'out' to the relationship without taking any responsibility.
  He'd prefer to make you feel bad than to admit he doesn't want to continue the relationship due to his personal beliefs.
  I don't want to tell you who you should or shouldn't date, but there are much more understanding people out there who will love you unconditionally.

- But ur not reading the part where I texted old men for money? I am so mad at myself. I ruined him and us. I genuinely can’t stop crying. I’m trying to win him back. He doesn’t care about body count anymore. I never once asked that question to anyone in my life either because I don’t judge people on their past. He’s just not happy that I lied about them sending sexual stuff but I never wanted that. I told him about the most recent one but I never said the first guy sent stuff cuz I didn’t find it purposeful. I’m broken from it.
  
  Ask him if he could trust you again if you deleted your tiktok and IG accounts. And then delete them.
  Or if you don't wish to do that, and want to keep making money from followers, then your guy is saying that's his boundary to protect his heart.
  You can't control what your followers will send to you. If he's not ok with that, then your choice seems to be him or the extra money, but not both. That sucks and it hurts, but it also means that having both was never really a possibility.

60 comments