Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world zcryj @lemmy.world 1d ago

I have a hard time making friends. Anyone else? Any tips?

I'm in my late 20s. In the last years, I've moved a few times and tried out a bunch of things. And discovered I have a hard time getting close to people.

I used to think I just need to go out more. But I found out that most people I meet just don't seem to "fit" with me.

Let's say I meet some interesting people, who are funny, smart and have shared interests with me. We make a bit of small talk, hang out, and then I go home exhausted, feeling like I just came out of a work meeting that should have been an email. And given from how they rarely invite me back, I guess the feeling is mutual.

Someone told me I am quite cold towards people I don't know well. Part of that might be that my usual way of talking is a bit emotionless. Another part could be a consequence of me basically going through the script in my head. "How is work these days? Cool. Yeah, me too. Yup." I don't want to be this way. But I also don't want to go into full sales presentation mode, because that feels really wrong.

I used to think I would just become misanthropic. But there are people where I just click with. Talking to them is not a chore, but something I look forward to. And they seem to enjoy my company as well. Some events seem to have a lot more of "my people", some less.

If you read my rambling until here, thanks. I genuinely don't know any more. Am I becoming the old sod sitting on his porch yelling at kids? Or am I just spending time on the wrong people? Have you experienced something similar? And how could I change this?

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No, pretty easy to make friends. Closing in middle age, a bunch of variety of people in different age groups.

Don't know what advice would be real or helpful to you but whenever you feel like it's not worth it, don't pursue it. Whoever you randomly encounter that you like, keep hanging close to them. Make sure you're someone who makes things happen, don't just be invited to stuff. It takes effort at first but you shouldn't feel exhausted. If that happens (over and over, not once) you're not with your people. Make sure you have boundaries and demands, not in their faces but for yourself. Invite people to things you'd wanna do and if they don't like it that's ok, if they put you down for it, fuck 'em.

Something I randomly picked up along the way is the lifeguard motto (or whatever it's called,ni don't know...) you have to save yourself before you can save anyone else, it's an analogy, ok? Make sure YOU have fun first and then you can accurately see how other people behave and feel.
- Solid advice. It took me way too long that trying to get into a specific friend group wasn't good for me. All super interesting people, doing cool stuff I want to join, but I feel like shit every time I do. Yeah, no, I don't need that.

50 comments