1y ago

My experience and learning about my childfree decision over 35 years

Hi folks, I thought I'd create some content and share some experience and learning around any concerns I had about being childfree in my first 10 years after my tubal. I hope this can help those that are at this stage now.

I will say that 35 years after my tubal, I realized in retrospect, somewhere during that time, that I knew in my teens I didn't want kids. I did go through a period, soon after my tubal at 24, of about 10 years where a lot of my friends tried to pressure me into either spending a ton of time with their kids or even adopt, where I wondered if I really wanted kids cuz I liked babies under 6 months of age. It wasn't until I got close to someone and her newborn, where I spent plenty of time with her kid over the next 3 years and she was TOTALLY accepting of my decision and NEVER pushed an agenda. I finally realized I truly lost interest in the kid after about 6 months of age and knew I wasn't interested, not because I was pushing back against acquaintances who were pushing their own agenda in opposition to mine, but because I JUST LOST INTEREST. It took a good, secure in their parenthood, friend to let me understand there was zero interest on my part.

As it turns out what I like about babies was the oxytocin hit from carrying them around, which I learned I could get from cats and small dogs, of which I have 2 now, and they stay small forever instead of just 6 months!

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51 comments

A childless person saying "I can get the same hit from cats and small dogs" is like a cis man saying "I can get the same experience as childbirth by performing a large bowel movement".
But most men never want to experience childbirth, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But pets absolutely cannot replicate actual children, just like a bowel movement can never replicate the experience of childbirth.
- The original poster was talking about their own experience, not anyone else's.
  
  Okay and my great uncle Fred took a dump that he insists was as difficult to pass as a human child. Since he's talking about his experiences, not anyone else's, he must be right, right? By your logic my uncle Fred genuinely knows what childbirth feels like, correct?
  Or does the fact that he has never experienced childbirth exclude him from making such comparisons?
  
  OP is saying that in their experience, holding a baby gives them the same hit of oxytocin as holding a cat or dog. OP has experienced holding both babies and cats and dogs. OP is talking about experiences that they have had. Your uncles was talking about taking a shit, an experience that he had, and giving birth, an experience that he has not had. That is the difference. OP is allowed to talk about their experiences. They're not talking about other people's experiences with children or claiming that their individual experiences are universal.
  
  Holding someone else's child is completely different from holding your own child that you created and gave life to. OP has never held their own child, and therefore cannot possibly say that pet ownership gives them the same satisfaction.
  Op is talking about holding their pet, an experience they have had, and holding their child, an experience they have not had. Therefore they absolutely cannot try to compare the two.
  All OP can say is that having pets gives them the same enjoyment as holding someone else's baby, which is most likely absolutely true. But that's not what was said. They tried to equate pet ownership to bringing and nurturing a life into this world and I'm sorry but that's fucking ridiculous, period.
  
  If someone feels the same about children and animals, and then decides to not become a parent as a result, that is a responsible choice. Not all parents like their children. Some parents develop a special bond but not all. Better for a person to have a few pets than create a human being they may end up losing interest in after a few months.
  
  I agree with every word of that, except the first line. My point is that OP cannot possibly know if owning pets will provide them the same satisfaction as having children because they've never had children.
  No one here is actually disputing what I actually said, because what I actually said is correct. I made a statement, and everyone threw their strawman arguments at me.
  
  And you can't possibly know how amazing it is to be without children then. Also you sound like someone who thinks forcing a lesbian to be with a man would correct her because she doesn't know what she's missing.
  
  I'm sorry did you mistype? I can't know what it's like to not have children? Everyone knows what it's like to not have children, no one is brought into this world already having children. What the fuck are you even trying to say?
  And your sexuality comparison is stupid because sexuality is something you're born with, and you can try the other side without permanently changing yourself, unlike parenthood.
  Everything you said is objectively wrong.
  
  If you're saying parenthood doesn't change you permanently, you're deluded.
  
  So you're saying an adoptive parent will never get the oxytocin experience that a biological parent would? How about my colleague of 7 years that had a surrogate give birth to her twins created by fertilization of her egg with her husband's sperm. She had hemolytic anemia during her first pregnancy and almost died, so she couldn't safely get pregnant again. Would she not get the oxytocin experience as well? She couldn't breast feed but could bottle feed and do everything else.
  And then there's me raising my 3 youngest sisters from birth (less so with the eldest of the 3 that is 7 years younger than me, and 100% so with the youngest of the 3 that is 11 years younger than me). The babies (especially the youngest) slept in my bedroom while my mother slept on another floor of the house (narcissist mother with mental health issues). I was the one up in the middle of the night changing their diapers and feeding them. Do I not get that oxy hit bottle feeding my younger sisters, exhausted as an 11 year old changing diapers and rocking a crying baby to sleep at 3:30am, and experiencing the blissful joy of a sleeping baby that had just woken me up at a very dark hour? I got REALLY REALLY good at getting my younger sibs to go down for a nap to get some peace.
  
  Another strawman argument. I never said anything about biology. Adoptive parents are still parents. Your siblings are still your siblings.
  It's still different than a child someone considers as "not theirs".
  And btw you were a child, you weren't ready for that kind of responsibility and shouldn't have had to do those things, and I'm genuinely sorry that you had to experience that, and I'm glad your siblings had someone in their life to look out for them. I'm sure that made all the difference to them.
- This 2 things are not remotely comparable. That's called a false equivalency
  
  I'm sorry but they are indeed comparable. It's someone who has never experienced something pretending they know what it's like.
  Nothing about this equivalency is false. You are wrong.
  
  The comment you're replying to mentions the release of oxytocin when cuddling with an animal similar to oxytocin release when holding a baby. This is a proven fact. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6826447/#:~:text=Simple%20Summary,linked%20to%20positive%20emotional%20states.
  You're comparing taking a shit with the hours long process of labor and bringing a life into the world. The 2 are nowhere near comparably
  
  "You're comparing taking a shit with the hours long process of labor and bringing a life into the world. The 2 are nowhere near comparable."
  Thank you for agreeing with me, I'm glad you came around.
  
  "You're comparing taking a shit with the hours long process of labor and bringing a life into the world. The 2 are nowhere near comparable."
  Thank you for agreeing with me, I'm glad you came around.
- They don't want to "replicate actual children". That much should have been pretty obvious. They want the good parts of affection without the lifelong implications.
- Nah dude. If I had to be pregnant and have to handle a kid I'd resent them. I would understand that the chemicals that cause parents to have to care about their kids are just that, chemicals. They aren't some magical feeling that comes out of nowhere. It's an evolutionary trait to continue a species. I do not accept my role as simply biological. I refuse to be just another person doing something because of chemicals and biology.
  
  "I refuse to be just another person doing something because of chemicals and biology."
  Then I've got some bad new for you. Everything you do is because of chemicals and biology. You felt the need to post this dumbass comment because of chemicals and biology. Everything that you have ever done and ever will do are because of chemicals in your brain telling you to do things. You will never outsmart these chemicals because you are these chemicals.
  For all intents and purposes, they are magical feelings that come out of nowhere and make you feel happy and patient and full of love for your child.
  Something which you clearly don't understand at all, which only serves to further prove my original point, so I guess thank you?
  
  Can you explain briefly what's your problem with people who doesn't want kids?
- Agreed. OP can just say, "Having kids isn't for me." And that's cool, we accept that. It sounds a bit like trying to justify the choice to themselves or at the very least help other be ok with the decision to not have kids. The pet analogy is over simplified. One thing I will say is that having kids of your own vs being around someone else's is very different. Being there through the grow and maturity into a functional human is the reward and frankyly it goes super fast. It felt like.yeaterday I was holding my kids as newborns and now they are in high school. The journey is the experience .To each their own on their choices.
  
  Excuse me sir or ma'am, you are in the childfree community about being childfree. If you would like to participate in parenting conversations or discuss how great kids are, I'm sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.
  
  Friend, this is a forum website designed for discussion and interaction. If you want an echo chamber, I'm sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.
  Start your own private instance, only allow specific people in, close that shit up tight if you want.
  This is not that place.
  
  Communities have intended topics. Just because you oppose being childfree doesn't mean it's OK to enter a community for trolling.
  
  Exactly, a child becomes an intelligent, mature adult. A person. A real person walking around, feeling things, talking to people, sharing knowledge and ideas and experiences. No part of pet ownership can emulate that.
  
  Haha, especially the mature and intelligent is at least worth a discussion...
  
  Mature and intelligent in the scientific sense. As in "intelligent life".

51 comments