Which consumer grade printer should I buy?

Title, basically. My old torture device needs to be replaced, and while it's been mostly working OK, printers have no excuse for being as shitty as they are. So therefore I am looking for suggestions.

Specs:

• Must include a flatbed scanner
• prints in color
• Wifi connection preferred
• No PaaS or IaaS bullshit
• No driver weirdness. I'm going to use it on linux.
• Available "anywhere".
• Ability to sit powered and connected in my HarryPotteresque "server room" under the stairs for ages, unattended, and work without hazzle when I send it the bimonthly print job.

I know the geek community likes Brother. Any particular model?

For reference, this new printer will replace my aging Canon Pixma 4250.