9mo ago

I feel desirable but unlovable.

Couldn't find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I'm fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.

I've been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it's something I didn't have to worry about.
I've always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that's great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don't want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what's hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There's only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.

I'm just so afraid I'll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I'm just living in fear that I'll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.

And yeah, yeah, I know, "you don't need a relationship to be happy" and whatever. That's not the point. The point is I practically don't even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I'm on numerous meds. I've tried therapy, and am still trying. I've done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn't look like that'll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.

I know there's only one real solution, and that's to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I'm unlovable.

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20 comments

You cant expect someone to want you if you dont want yourself.
You also cant expect someone to be your emotional punching bag, that will always drive people away.
You need to sort out your own issues first.
I see you're on meds and therapy, you need to keep working at it.
Another option is lower your own expectations, you're not perfect so dont chase perfect in someone else. ( probably lead to long term unhappyness though)
- My bar for a relationship right now is literally just that they don't flee when I cry about something stupid, and that they don't yell at me when I tell them they're scaring me and triggering traumatic memories. Both of these things would seem like obvious things almost anybody could provide, but when I'm crying constantly or trauma is getting triggered multiple times a day, even the best people walk out, or snap. Because my emotional outbursts are triggered by constantly feeling like I'm reliving old traumas, even when there's literally no reason to feel that way. 99% of people don't have the emotional fortitude to reassure me every day that no, they didn't suddenly decide today that they secretly want to destroy my life. Presented with fears of betrayal enough times, I've never been in a relationship where they didn't finally snap and become convinced that I thought they were a terrible person. My first ex became convinced that they were a terrible person and that must be why I constantly fear betrayal. Another ex ended up calling me a crazy removed because they thought there was no way I was constantly having these thoughts and didn't genuinely believe them to be true.
  The most recent friend I made is the only one I've found who was able to handle it flawlessly. Most times, she found it really easy to simply reassure me it wasn't true, and if I crossed and boundaries, she'd simply tell me I had so I could step back for a minute and reevaluate myself. She never blew up at me. She never fled because my emotions were getting too intense. And most importantly, she never blamed herself for me having irrational fears about her. That's a rare combination to have all in one person.
  
  That's a rare combination to have all in one person.
  It's also way too much to ask of someone. It's not fair of you to expect that someone forgoes their own emotional health to take care of yours. A relationship is a transaction, like it or not. There's push and pull, each person needs to get something positive out of it and if you're spending so much time telling your partner they're a bad person, they're going to leave. Nobody deserves that.
  That's not to say you don't deserve love, because you do. But it sounds like there's a lot of work ahead for you to manage your mental health and get to a place where you can trust someone in the way they should be trusted in a loving relationship.
  Both of these things would seem like obvious things almost anybody could provide, but when I'm crying constantly or trauma is getting triggered multiple times a day, even the best people walk out, or snap.
  This behavior is extremely exhausting for someone to manage. Your partner has their own problems to deal with too. Between work, school, children, planning meals, managing the house, vacations, holidays, healthcare, and many more things, there's so much work to be done in life. You need to be a productive part of the relationship. Share in the burdens of life to help make them easier on someone, as they do for you, instead of being another chore to deal with.
  My suggestion is to continue spending a lot of time working on yourself. Learn to trust again, learn to love yourself, understand the needs of others, and understand the part you play in a relationship. Nobody is obligated to love you, but (almost) everyone is deserving of love (I say almost because there are insanely cruel people in this world).
  Lastly, ALL OF WHAT I SAID APPLIES TO YOU TOO FROM SOMEONE ELSE. Anything you need from someone is something that someone should be able to provide to you, and vice-versa. Don't expect anything from anyone that you wouldn't do yourself, just as they shouldn't do the same. Find someone who wants to take care of you, the same way that you will take care of them.
  
  I think I've given the misimpression that I immediately jump to blaming my partner for everything and telling them they're a bad person. I used to do that, but not so much anymore. How things typically go nowadays is that I explain that I'm having an irrational thought because of a traumatic memory, and try to guide them through what I need them to do for me to help me feel better. However, the more common response, instead of listening to me about what I need, is for people to tell me that I'm taking the wrong approach and that they have a better solution to alleviating my fears. This inevitably leads to me having an emotional snapping moment where their solution didn't work, my emotions spiraled out of control, and now I think they're evil. This is immediately followed by me breaking down crying, apologizing profusely, and feeling like the whole thing was my fault. What I need people to understand is that I know what works for me and I cannot compromise on that.
  I suppose it's actually a little inaccurate to say nobody ever has a better solution, because my most recent ex actually was able to really easily keep me under control, simply by overloading me with being super nice every time I was about to have an outburst to the point where my brain would just short circuit and go "I couldn't possibly have been thinking anything bad about her, right? Because I can't see a single bad thing right now." We still, however, ended up breaking up due to an emotional outburst of mine, but that was a very rare case where everyone who witnessed it or heard the story said it was justified (she was the one who I accused of being a compulsive liar, but she had literally just tried to gaslight me into believing I had never once told her I was uncomfortable with some aggressive types of advances she made on me, even though I said it constantly, all the time, and repeatedly asked her to stop. The only issue was I accused her of lying about a lot more than she actually had lied about.)
  Unfortunately, my mental health issues just straight up aren't going to go away. I can't do anything except eliminate the triggers that cause them, and that's what I want people to understand and help me do. I'm not expecting people to sit down and take my emotional blowups. I'm expecting them to work with me to prevent them in the first place. That's what this new friend is so good at. Because she listens to me about what I need, with the sole exception of if it crosses her boundaries, where she informs me so I can work around it and work with her to find a solution that she is capable of doing for me.
  And it's not like people gain nothing from me. I'm told I'm exceptionally good at emotional support and giving good advice (which is largely because I have to do these things for myself all the time, and I'm exceptionally more fucked up than the average person I'm supporting.) I'm also the kind of person who doesn't feel the least bit bad if somebody can't be there for me all the time (in fact, I kinda appreciate it because it gives me plenty of chances to learn better control of my emotions without the need of somebody's help.)
  But even with all that said, maybe I am still asking too much. Evidently most people still can't handle it, so at this point I probably have to admit it's not a normal thing to expect of somebody, even if to me it feels like the bare minimum.

20 comments