violently cries and sobs

Sorry for butting in, and I fully understand if I'm completely out of line here, but can you expand on this statement?

I think I would have trouble getting it up for a blow job from a smoking hot women after I learned she had a penis. I'm willing to concede that that is technically transphobic.

Is it phobic to not be attracted to every aspect of a person? Is it racists if fiery red hair is a turn off? Is it hateful to dislike piercings? Is it so bad to not be down bad for blue eyes?

I can see how less obvious trait could lead to a frustrating situation and an appartent change in opinion, like being turned off by a dorky laugh, or a tattoo, or violent behaviour, but is it somehow hateful to not be attracted to everything about someone?

I feel like telling people that something about themselves is inherently bad isn't any better. Maybe someone doesn't like the colour red because they just really hate Canadians, and perhaps they would be fine with red otherwise, but are they being hateful by buying a blue blanket? What about people who just like blue? It would be great if no one hated a colour because they hate the people represeted by a flag, but forcing everybody to buy red blankets doesn't help anything, you know?

I think the idea I'm circling here is that attractions aren't fair, and trying to make them fair is worse. Conflating that with transphobia seems ironic. Does that make sense?

I think we need another word. Transphobic suggests fear or hate. I neither fear not rate trans people as I've made clear multiple times. If I'm not interested in having sex with men am I androphobic? I'm just not interested in trans people sexually. I'm transdisinterested, not transphobic.

So this boils down to the proposition that there are trans women everywhere who are indistinguishable from cis women? Maybe.

We all have lives. I sometimes remember that I was discussing something with someone weeks later.

In the end my trans friends, LGBTQ friends, my lesbian daughter, and my son and daughter's LGBTQ, non-binary, and trans friends and everyone who knows me knows that I'm not a transphobe. They know that I'm an ally. They know that they can count on me for support and that I will actively protect them.

Being labelled a transphobe by someone who doesn't know me and obviously has rather extreme views is less than meaningless to me. I engaged in the coversation to try to help her to understand my position and that labelling anyone who wasn't interested in having sex with her, no matter how much of an ally they really were, was counterproductive. I did my best. I'm going to keep doing my best to be an ally no matter how much people who demand thought perfection label me. That's just who I am.

Yeah, I’m defective for having experienced your “preferences” in other men resulting in men being really scary to me upon being rejected, and wanting to explain to you that men making sweeping claims about attraction to trans women can put trans women in danger when reality doesn’t match up so neatly.

You have never experience, "my preferences" because we have never met. You're lumping me in with the men that you've had bad experiences with which is unfair. I am very much a friend to the LGBTQ+ community. I am perfectly comfortable to say, "I'm flattered but I'm not interested" and I have done so more than once. For me, that's the end of it. No drama. Given the very diverse community I run in (I wrote in another comment that, "my wife is bisexual, my sister is bisexual, my daughter is a lesbian, my son and daughter both have non-binary and trans friends who I regularly spend time with, I have gay friends and lesbian friends, I was a member of the wedding party at a same sex wedding, I am friends with a local transmasc, and I’ve had a pair of transfem friends for more than 50 years.") I find it very useful to be able to say, "Here is who I am and here is who I'm interested in." The people around me seem to appreciate that rather than resent it. Why would you want to pursue someone who said that they weren't interested in you? I don't try to talk lesbians into be interested in me, that would be the height of arrogance on my part.

Plus all the connection to stigma culture that reinforces transphobia but that is less acute.

I am not transphobic. Labelling anyone who doesn't agree with your world view as transphobic really devalues anything else you have to say. I like redheads. I like big butts. I like small boobs. That doesn't mean that I'm brunettephobic or blondephobic or small bottom or big boob phobic.