8mo ago

Pronouns

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Bro just use singular they. Why is it so hard.
- How does that differ from plural they?
  
  the same way singular "you" differs from plural "you"
  
  Right which is fine, but usually requires context clues to determine which and a story with multiple people can get real convoluted real quick. Maybe we should come up with some new terms, it’s our language we can do whatever we want
  
  In my experience people react poorly to the accommodation ask of neopronouns. A lot of people will treat you as though you are childish, insane or you grew a second head. Outside the community or publication world neopronouns don't see much action.
  
  Thev
  
  You can use it as a gender-neutral way to replace he/she, it still represents a single person, as opposed to plural they. Context is required to determine whom it represents.
  
  English dropped "thou" a while back...
  
  You don't know the definition of singular?
  
  Singular, "they" has not been taught widely to foreign learners (maybe not to native either?). I just recently learned about it myself from LGBT support content despite practicing since childhood, I never heard about it during my English lessons.
  So yes indeed, many English speakers don't know about singular they.
  
  Look at their post history and other comments in this thread. That question wasn't being asked in good faith.
  
  I see, though, a little bit of information may help him or other readers.
  
  it would be used in the same way french uses vous (which can both mean they, or when speaking to someone formally (opposite from informal, which only happens when you know the person/are buddies with)). Using they, especially if you dont know them first hand, leaves ambiguity on the table since youre not making assumptions.
- because people change their pronouns and they get pissed off if you use the wrong one.
  I've had trans people tell me their pronoun. OK, cool. Then a few weeks/months later, they change it. Then they jump down my throat for not knowing the new one they have picked. One person I know was she/they, now they are he. well sorry if I didn't check your FB status or whatever to see when you updated it.... but last time I talked to this person and used the old pronoun they went OFF on me about what a facist I am or something. (let me add this person IDs as androgynous and claims to be asexual and does not have a gendered appearance)
  Look, most trans people are cool, but there are a few out there who are DETERMINED to be complete assholes about it. And it's like... ok I'm not going to bother anymore. I'd rather just avoid them entirely, just like I avoid middle-aged white women like the plague since too many of them have Karen syndrome.
  
  You used they in this comment but don't state you use they as a generic pronoun. Dude just use they
  
  From my experience most trans people are pretty clear cut. I get that they change their pronouns a lot when transitioning and coming out of the closet because it must be hard to pick a pronoun when you dont even know who you are. They are usually ok with the singular they. My problem is with tiktok queers and people who just change it for fun basically. I dont care if your pronoun is xe or idk but i do care when you dont accept if i use they(which i even use for cishet people because in my native language we dont have genders and its just generally easier).
  
  sadly where I live lots of queers/trans are of the tiktok variety. a lot of them are trust fund types who aspire to be influences and have vanity jobs and want to lecture you on how they are an artist or something. they get really pissed off if you call them 'they' for some reason.
  
  Avoid "them" meaning all trans people or the handful of dipshits you were choosing to talk to?
  
  All of them now. It only takes a few times of being physical threatened and verbally assaulted before you just decide it's not worth it. IME the ratio of cool trans people to psychos is 1:1, so it's 50/50.
  I get they feel 'under threat' but taking it out on well-meaning people who support you isn't the answer... and frankly a few years ago it was never big deal. But like I said me not being 'up' on the latest pronoun you choose used to be NBD a few years ago... now it's 'erasing my existence' or some crazy extremest nonsense. I have no interest in interacting with extremists.
  You can't know if someone is a dipshit until after you interact with them, btw.
  
  Yeah painting all trans people that way is nonsense. It gets pretty close to bigotry territory. I gotta wonder where you live or what kind of choices you are making to surround yourself with that many unhinged people. Where I'm at I've encountered zero trans people that act like you've described.
  
  I can only paint people with the experience they give me of themselves. If I've treated like a bigot, I will start be likely to start acting like one. I live in Boston and it's become really bad the past few years. I have been physically attacked by trans people for standing in line at a coffee shop because they demanded I 'give up my privilege' and I ignored their crazy nonsense, so they escalated because they know nobody would take by side, because I'm the 'big bad white guy' and most of the staff were trans.
  Least to say I don't go to coffee shop anymore. And yeah, I am becoming a bigot because of how I'm treated with bigotry. It's almost like hate breeds hate and I want no part of that horrible shit.
  
  "You can’t know if someone is a dipshit until after you interact with them, btw." That you said that is kinda at odds with what you are saying now.
  If you are going to treat all members of a group as being the same as the worst members you have met then you are just choosing to be a bigot.
  The issue isn't trans people as a whole. It's also not even close to half of trans people. There is something unique about your situation.
  
  This person is either lying, or had some karen at the coffee shop go off, and is now stretching that. I have family in Boston, Including a couple that live Jamaica Plains. That has been like LGBTQ central for a while. They, and no one they know, have ever been assaulted by people over privilege, pronouns, or for being white/straight/male/cis. They said the only place they have ever seen such eruptions of behavior is online, meaning it's just the rare karen.
  That, or they are bigot that goes out and agitates this type of behavior. Then frames it in a manner in which they are the victim.
  
  this was in Jamaica Plain at Espresso Love last new years day.
  And yes, everyone who i ever tell this too denies it happened to me. because I'm a big strong white guy... so nothing bad can ever happen to me. I'm clearly a bigoted POS and if i didn't put it on tiktok it doesn't exist.
  I'd rather just not deal with violence and crazy people whose insecurity is so rampant they need to assault others to feel powerful. I will just mind my peace and go to places not full of angry people who scream at being for getting coffee.
  
  And yes, everyone who i ever tell this too denies it happened to me
  Probably because it didn't. You were physically attacked for just standing in line to get coffee? Totally believable, definitely happens.
  
  no, it's basic survival instinct.
  if i eat the purple berries and they make me puke, i'm not going to eat them again. am i now bigoted against purple berries? or should i just keep eating them and getting sick and doing it over and over again?
  just like if i have a shitty meal at a restaurant, i won't go back to that place, or that chain if it's a chain. etc etc.
  
  The inherent traits of a species of berries is not comparable to the behavior of an entire demographic. If you treat all trans people as though they are unhinged or looking for the slightest excuse to be offended then that is as much bigoted behavior and stereotyping as treating all Mexicans as lazy or all black people as criminals or all Irish as angry drunks. People are not berries. Their treatment of you isn't coming from the genetic level.
  You may have had some legit crazy fringe case experiences and the shock and hurt that you would feel from that would be very valid but if you turn immediately from that to "if I'm gonna be treated like a bigot then I'll just be a bigot" then there are some worrisome seeds already planted. If things went as you described them then you had some unfair encounters but those handful of experiences are not close to enough to judge all trans people by. That's hard to grapple with if there is still that emotional sting from those experiences. I do understand the reaction of "fine I'll show you just much I can be the thing you wrongly accused me of being". I've been guilty of that in other contexts. But it's destructive and toxic. It makes the people treating you wrongly feel completely justified. It makes you act like a terrible person that you are not.
  
  I didn't until 2022 or so. I have been repeatedly assaulted the past few years, verbally and i have been physically assaulted by them. Some of them spread rumors about me. I'm done with them now. They treated me wrongly, and now I don't care about being friendly and welcoming to them anymore, justifiably.
  Keep moral grand standing all you want. If a group of people repeatedly harassed you I don't you'd be so high minded about it. You're arguing genetics, I'm protecting myself from mentally unwell people who have arbitrarily decided I'm the enemy because they are on tiktok too much and believe their violence is 100% justified as long as it's towards people who look are cishet and white.
  Truth is i'm not even what they think I am. I'm gender fluid, but I just look like a cis-hit white guy, so they go apeshit on me.
  
  I'm not trying to moral grand stand on you here. I'm saying that your reactions to your negative experiences are valid. But how far you take those reactions needs to be kept in check. Its not a high minded or aggressive stance to warn against letting the emotions of that trauma cause you to overreact. Try not to read it that way but rather as understanding and cautionary. You seem like you try to be decent and fair. You wouldn't let one bad person from other demographics/groups/whatever dictate how you treat all them. Don't let these handful of assholes control how you think of and treat all of trans people. Don't become the monster they accused you of being.
  
  If you are going to make substantial edits to your post like that (as opposed to small corrections) I think you should either make a new post with the follow up information and ideas or make it very clear in your original post what the added content from the edit was.
  
  That is a quality of life issue. This person's issue is not their changing pronouns, it is that they are an asshole, who loves to milk the victim role.
  I am a cis, male guy, who due to some hormonal issues looked androgynous and sounded like a girl when I was in my late teens and early 20s, and was addressed as "miss" quite often, and for the most part, people would just say "Sorry" when corrected, then address me as a guy.
  This is how people should behave, the person you describe is just an asshole, whether they are aware of it or not.
  Same issue I used to have with gay people, I used to think they were all loudmouth assholes, until I found out that what I had been exposed to was a loud minority, a ton of gay people are your regular Joe and Jane, and you would never know they were gay unless they told you.
  Don't let a loud minority sour your day, you have been doing the right thing, and the downvoted are overzealous, reactionary assholes.
  
  I am a cis, male guy, who due to some hormonal issues looked androgynous and sounded like a girl when I was in my late teens and early 20s, and was addressed as "miss" quite often, and for the most part, people would just say "Sorry" when corrected, then address me as a guy.
  Did you ever have someone insist that you're wrong? I looked quite feminine from childhood all the way to around 25-26 years old. I can think of several occasions where people insisted that I couldn't be a man.
  The most positive one was when I was flying to the U.S., and ended up chatting with an elderly lady for a few hours while waiting for the check ins. She had a massive wagon with pots and pans and whatnot, and I had a tiny carry-on. Eventually we realised we'd forgotten to exchange names, so we introduced ourselves. She was like "but that's a boy's name", "well that explains why your luggage is so small!" and every so often she'd say "I can't believe you're a man" incredulously.
  Worst time was when I was frequently swimming in my teens, and a Karen-type person walked up to me, insisting I put on a bikini because I'm too old to walk topless. It didn't register with me that she mistook me for a girl at first; I just thought this pervert old woman wanted me to dress like a girl.
  
  I know, they are an asshole. Just like many cops are assholes.
  But give the propensity of assholes in the group, the safest course of action is to just avoid them entirely. I also have no interest in interact with police, and yet I bet nobody would call me a bigot for saying that...
  
  Eh, that's different. Police officers choose the profession. Trans folks aren't choosing the trans life, they're discovering who they really are (maybe I should have just quipped "...the trans life chose them", ha).
  There's nothing wrong with trying to avoid assholes, but when you start painting with a broad brush like that, well, it does smack of bigotry. Same energy as racists who memorize arrest statistics and then say things like "It's not racist if it's true!"
  Also, to be clear: I don't mean to accuse you of anything. I just see some uncomfortable parallels.
  Personally, I don't have a lot of experience in this area. I've really only been acquainted with two trans people, and I don't/didn't know them very well (I say didn't because I haven't seen the one person since before covid). Both were friends-of-friends type acquaintances that I'd see at game nights and the like.
  
  Cool. I've been acquainted with dozens of trans people and known a dozen on a regular social basis and a few quite well...
  turns out they are just like... people. some of them are cool... but a good chunk of them are selfish jerks just like any group of people.
  for some reason people want to lionize trans people as they suffering saints... and anyone who criticisms trans folks is clearly a hateful bigot... which also tells me they know nothing about trans people and put them on a podium. the brush i paint trans people with is broad.... because they are people. they aren't some other subspecies of human beings with superior moral worth, empathy and insight. some of them are really great, most of them are not so great, and a bunch of them are awful humans who delight in antisocial behaviour. have you ever hung out in trans internet forums? they are full of awful hateful and bigoted shit... often direct at other trans folks, and incessant gatekeeping about who or what is really 'trans'. it's disgusting.
  and being trans is a choice. just like me presenting a a cis het man is a choice. just like i wanted to dress up in a woman's outfit an go out tonight.. that would be a choice. just like the trans folks who go around policing other people's pronouns, fashion choices, and their gender worthiness choose to do that.
  but of course don't let the complexities of the human condition and identity get in the way of a good 'hurrr durr well yer a bigot and i am a good purrrson for saying so' internet self-righteous indignation.
  
  Had a friend's kid go through it and it was hard to keep up. Started as 'she' and birth name, then 'he' and a new name, then 'xe' and another new name, then 'she' but another new name, not original, and finally landing on 'he' and a new name. The 'xe' was super hard since using a totally new pronoun naturally is a bit more difficult. In the end, he turned out to stay 'he' and did some surgery and hormones and now if you didn't know his history, you'd never get confused about the pronoun.
  Meanwhile, an in-laws family member is super hard to treat as trans, because despite being a she, she doesn't act or look vaguely feminine. Doesn't like cosmetics, or styling hair, or women's clothing. Generally wears jeans and a t-shirt. Her hair is long, but looks like grunge guy hair rather than girl hair. Also sports a full facial hair, because shaving is a pain. Says she doesn't even want hormones or surgery, just wants to be considered feminine. Also is attracted to girls. The least trans person I have ever met. Near as she has said, she just thinks guys need to be stoic and tough and she doesn't feel that way, but otherwise she pretty much has all 'masculine' sensibilities.
  Most trans people I have met fall in the middle, they clearly adopt the target gender style or mannerisms at least, even if they don't go so far as to 'pass'.
  I have only had one instance where anyone got upset about the wrong pronoun, and it was a sibling of the person, and the pronoun use was actually referring to a dog, but the sibling assumed the worst since there was no 'he' in the room among the humans. Haven't seen someone personally get upset for themselves over a flubbed pronoun though.

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