9mo ago

I feel desirable but unlovable.

Couldn't find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I'm fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.

I've been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it's something I didn't have to worry about.
I've always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that's great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don't want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what's hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There's only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.

I'm just so afraid I'll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I'm just living in fear that I'll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.

And yeah, yeah, I know, "you don't need a relationship to be happy" and whatever. That's not the point. The point is I practically don't even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I'm on numerous meds. I've tried therapy, and am still trying. I've done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn't look like that'll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.

I know there's only one real solution, and that's to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I'm unlovable.

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20 comments

What exactly is an "emotional outburst" for you?
There are a lot of things this could mean, ranging from more benign (sobbing) to extreme or scary (throwing things or screaming or worse)
If it's anywhere near the latter then you need to figure out how to manage those symptoms of your mental illness before you're ready for a relationship.
- An emotional outburst for me is crying hysterically over things that don't matter, sometimes accusing people of doing things without evidence because people have done them to me before, and most commonly, starting arguments in an attempt to prove to myself that somebody must really be as bad as I subconsciously think they are, so I have an excuse to leave and not risk getting hurt again.
  I've gotten quite good at recognizing when an emotional outburst is happening so I can warn people I'm gonna be completely irrational for a bit, but most people when presented with "you betrayed me, haven't you?" whether or not they know it's just an outburst I can't control, still get incredibly offended and leave rather than make any attempt to calm my fears.
  An example would be the fight that broke up my last relationship. They said something that sounded a little suspicious. I said that, even though I knew it was irrational, I was starting to feel like they'd lied to me about everything they'd said, because I'd been through that before, and asked for reassurance. Instead of reassurance, they became angry at me for accusing them of lying about perfectly normal things. I, in turn, snapped completely, now genuinely accusing them of being a pathological liar because they wouldn't reassure me they weren't.
  I can get along fine with the kind of people who can recognize that being irrational means I can't always control myself, and who are willing to just simply reassure me that my fears aren't founded, but if I'm not constantly supported in all the right ways, I will eventually have an outburst like the previously mentioned one, and most people can't handle that.
  The outbursts, once again, are something I'm physically incapable of controlling. The only thing I can do is avoid the situation that causes them, usually by communicating what irrational thoughts are on my mind so they can be dispelled before they become a huge issue. I cannot, however, stop myself in the middle of one. And the only way to actually avoid triggering an outburst ever is to become a hermit and refuse to ever interact with another human. The best I can ever hope for us to have people surrounding me who know how to prevent it, and can take it when one day it gets triggered anyway. And like I said, I've got friends who can handle it fine, but zero of them desire any kind of relationship.
  
  My partner deals with BPD and swears by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You mentioned therapy but it's a wide range so I figured the overlaps there would be worth a mention.
  Good luck. You are not unlovable, and your problems are not forever. You will grow.
  
  All therapy I've received thus far has been simple talk therapy. I was supposed to receive CBT at one point, but the therapist ended up needing to drop me because she didn't have enough training in my combination of issues to properly address the problem. I have an anxiety disorder (what anxiety disorder is currently unknown, but GAD runs in the family.) I have schizoaffective disorder, which is well controlled with meds, but still results in me being more irrational than normal sometimes and more depressed that normal others. I might have PTSD, but that's not diagnosed, just something my psychiatrist has brought up multiple times. The same for BPD, which they have difficulty diagnosing because the symptoms overlap extremely heavily with schizoaffective. On the less severe side, but still effecting how effective therapy is for me, I have autism and ADHD. On top of everything else, I've been known to display symptoms of dissociative identity disorder, but not enough to get diagnosed.
  Very few therapists can deal with all of those issues at once, so I've had trouble finding any. I currently don't have one, and am on a waiting list to find a new one, but due to my combination of issues it's taking dramatically longer than usual.
  
  Yeah this system has been overwhelmed for a while now, in my area there's waiting lists that go for a few years. I can't imagine how dismal it must feel. Unfortunately I can't find a resource at the moment, but in the meantime I would highly suggest a workbook from a CBT program, specifically ones that focus on interpersonal and time management skills. Getting accustomed to it can really help get you further engaged once you are able to get into a program, with the added benefit of making a change and starting early.
  My partner used to cry for 16 hours a day, over everything, nothing, all of it. She's in a much different place now, granted nearly a decade later (but also 6 years after all of that too, so it's been a long time now still.) Treatment via medication is an important aspect but that is only as effective as instilling new, healthy habits - and sometimes vice versa where instilling good habits can only help an unmedicated person so much.
  Even if the therapeutic side is taking its time it doesn't mean you're out of options, nor are you a lost cause until then! All the best to you!
  
  My significant other for the last decades struggles with various mental disorders. What you describe reminds me of us. She never really managed to get proper therapy so far as well. We've learned some things the hard way, but we're happy and solid now.
  For me at least what hit the hardest was not being trusted or being repeatedly accused of betrayal. This stuff seeps into my slightest cracks and blows up my own insecurities about inadequacy. It's a good thing you recognize these episodes. Could you just pull out of the situation when you feel one coming, request alone time? Defuse it, then come back to your loved one. That's what she does. I know to respect the alone time, no matter when it is needed. It's important for your partner to be aware of your struggles, but expecting them to accurately dismiss what you express on account of issues is not sustainable long term in my opinion. It's too hard to apply and too likely to backfire.
  You're popular, amazing people have already crossed your path, there's no reason for it not to happen again. So prepare for making the next one the best one.
  
  Separating myself and being alone works to an extent. If I'm not breaking down yet but know I'm starting to get irrational, I find if I don't allow myself to say anything, and simply remove myself from the presence of anybody who could be hurt, I can often abort the episode entirely. However, that doesn't always work. Sometimes it makes it worse and I have to bring myself back to them and straight up ask "hey, this thing you did made me feel like you might be trying to betray me. Why did you actually do that?" Answering that question makes it much easier to dismiss my anxieties.
  There's also a strategy I've deployed with my first ex after our breakup, since we're still friends and they have a very similar set of disorders, where we have times we allow each other to have controlled blowups at each other, knowing explicitly that that's what we're doing. It makes it easier not to blow up at other people. The only rule is we never do it at the same time. Being able to shout all kinds of horrible things and have somebody just go "yeah, whatever, I get it. Do your thing." is extremely therapeutic for both of us.
  We also, after we're finished blowing up, go over what we said and analyze whether it was rational and how to avoid similar thoughts. Realizing fully why something doesn't make sense makes it easy to dismiss later so we don't fall down the same irrational path the same way later, and have fewer blowups over time. It's a powerful tool to be able to go "I'm feeling X way about Y thing, but I've felt that way before and determined it was irrational, so it can't magically be rational this time."

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