10mo ago

Choose your items

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Ask for the gun and the bullets.
Before I'm sent back, shoot the time travel master (nerd!) in the head. Shoot their attendants, too (nerds! nerds!).
Grab all the other options, and load them in the time travel car. VERY IMPORTANT: the Moog will be playing the Knight Rider Theme until further notice.
Time travel back to the Vatican, Apostolic Palace. Driving the motorcycle up to The Pope, I do a jump that involves me turning upside-down OVER the Pope, during which I look down, shove the LSD down the Pope's throat, and then do an Akira-slide right in front of him.
In fluent Latin, I explain to the Pope that I am a messenger from God who has been sent to deliver a Mighty Revelation. For the next several hours I use all the other options I brought back to astound and amuse The Pope during the LSD trip. During this phase of the experience, the Moog will be playing selections from Pink Floyd, focusing on music from Dark Side and before. The key message of The Revelation is that I am an agent of God to be protected and revered.
After the Pope comes down, I scope out the Vatican's Cardinals. (The Moog will be playing Guile's Theme during this phase.) The spices are covertly swapped for hashish and opiates, which I use along with the Warheads candy to bring mini-Revelations to those Cardinals who seem friendly. Those Cardinals who seem hostile to me, are fed bits of the Uranium. I am declared a Cardinal. When the time is right, The Pope is also fed bits of Uranium.
After the Pope dies, a conclave is convened in the Sistine Chapel to select the next Pope. The Moog will be playing Objection from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (2001) during this phase. As a Cardinal, I attend, and will use the motorcycle to pop wheelies and do donuts until I am elected.
When I first appear on the Papal balcony, to be revered for the rest of my life as an infallible being whose words must be obeyed without hesitation, the Moog will be playing the instrumental version of We are Number One from Lazy Town, and I will be doing an appropriate dance.
- I had the same idea for the items.
  Pick gun and the bullets.
  But instead my plan was to shoot myself.
  
  My plan was to take the dab pens and the moog, assuming it could be used as a backup battery to the pens. And then just plan to hang myself when confronted with the inevitability of sobriety.
  
  Hey y'all no need for that! Meet up with me in the year 1214, and Pope Rolando will set you up as Archbishops somewhere. We can even go on convenience store runs in my time machine!
  Everyone taking this challenge is invited. All your sins will be forgiven!
- I would read this comic book.
- That moog isn’t a fucking iTunes playlist, it’s a musical instrument that needs a real person to play it so your entire plan is completely shot.
  
  The moog is "magic - works without amp or outlet" so it is magic. (Given.)
  Therefore the moog is AI, since magic and AI are indistinguishable. (Lemma: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -Clarke. The exact workings of contemporary "AI" neural networks are insufficiently understood, therefore indistinguishable from magic.)
  Because the moog is AI, I can talk to it like ChatGPT, I just have the wrong keyboard.
  Use the keyboard like this: first key is "A", second key is "B", etc. Type out some sentences until the AI figures out the pattern. I have plenty of time to do so, since I have a time machine.
  Use the keyboard to chat with the moog to tell it what I want it to play.
  Problem?
  
  yes there’s a problem, its only magic is that is works without an amp or outlet. none of the other things you’ve listed are implied or remotely plausible.
  
  I was using a specialized form of argumentation which I thought befitting this community. Here are the details: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/troll-science-troll-physics
  Was this the right decision? Perchance.
  
  Absolute madman 👏
- This is the best comment I have seen on Lemmy. You are a genius.
- What about the other items? Bottle rockets off the papalcony for sure. Dab pen for office duties after I think.
  The laser pen would also be a mind blower during the high times.
- What a fucking ride. I had all the tracks on background play in pipepipe. Incredible.
- Just hope your time machine doesn't deposit you off during the Western Catholic Schism or else you'll have to repeat this multiple times with multiple popes.
  
  Or maybe this is how the Western Schism is avoided in the first place. The Lord works in mysterious ways...

252 comments