10mo ago

English may be a hot mess but at least we don't have to worry about this nonsense

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"Je voudrais un baguette" I once asked in a parisian boulangerie. I don't think anyone has looked at me with the same level of disgust before as the older lady selling the breads.
"Voilà, une baguette.", the "une" flying through me like an icicle.
- "Stupid fucking foreigner thinking my bread has a dick..."
  
  Tucke Carlso liked your comment
  
  Why does he look like someone just shoved a vacuum hose up his ass and turned on the vacuum.
- I remember standing in line for crepes in Le Havre, I just had my first year of French in school and I was practicing how to order in my head, nervously repeating "un crepe avec sucre", and killed myself over not remembering the gender of crepe. So it's finally my turn in line and I order nervously (I am 13 years old) and they reply with "pancake with sugar, no problem" and I'm just like 😭
  Somehow people not even giving you a chance to practice your language skills is awful
  
  Damn French, une crêpe and a pancake are not the same thing!
  
  "Jay parlay France-says tray bee-en! Jaytude France-says pour treys anss in laycole!"
  I was in Quebec, and the locals kept trying to talk to me in French. I can technically understand French, but not at those speeds. I only had to say that phrase once to anyone, and they immediately switched to English and begged me to not speak French again. If you sound like Peggy Hill attempting to speak French, then you've nailed this phrase.
  
  Québécois is a whole other can of worms.
  
  Seriously. It's pretty discouraging and off-putting. Although, when I was in the Aquitaine I don't think I got any of that.
  ... Maybe it's because they remember being under English management and don't want to give anyone an excuse?
  I do find the French have very little ability to understand their language if it's getting mangled.
  
  I think it's just taking the easy, accommodating and safe route mostly.
  A friend of mine taught himself German for years (he lives in Canada) and then, eager to put his knowledge into practice, went to Germany for three weeks. Whenever he attempted to speak German, people would reply in English - out of niceness.
  He was so depressed and discouraged, he went home, vowed to never speak German again, taught himself Russian, went to Russia for a semester, people there were happy to speak Russian with him. He even met his future wife there, so it's a happy end I guess.
  I don't remember if I ever heard him speak German (after all, he vowed and was still very hurt), but if his German was just half as good as his Russian, he should have had no problem with being understood.
  James, in case you read this, St. Petersburg was freaking awesome and you freaking rock.
- Baguettes are distinctly penis shaped, so the French are just wrong about that.
  
  Just wait to learn how we gender "dick" and "cunt" in French (hint: it's not the way you'd think).
  It's the one thing people who aren't fluent in a gendered language usually fail to grasp: Grammatical gender is in most situations completely separate from social gender. The grammatical gender in "une bite" has absolutely no social function and is not in any way contradictory to its traditionally opposite social gender.
  Ironically it's also why using the wrong grammatical gender feels so wrong/unnatural to a native speaker (not that it's an excuse to be a dick to non-native speakers ofc): gender is not just "a social concept attached to a word", it is an inherent property of the word that matters fundamentally to sentence structure and so misusing it throws everything off-balance. Francophones will much sooner accept someone close to them being trans than baguettes being male, and this is not a hyperbole.
  
  Does this mean i'm gay ?
  
  Not in itself but it is another data point for the theory. I suggest testing in controlled conditions many times despite it being a pain in the ass.
  
  Ah the double entendre! Nicely done lol
- Assigning gender to words is fucking stupid and adds unnecessary extra complexity to the language without any gaining any additional meaning. Personally I have no time for it.
- My solution is replacing all les/la/l' with a vaguely sounding "ll" sound.
  I get the odd scathing look.
  And occasionally someone will stop the conversation, and ask me to use the correct word, fully away of the shit I'm trying to pull.
- The old lady was a huge asshole. That's the problem. And being in Paris.

358 comments