5d ago

I'd choose 4,5 & 9

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Revenge of the MonkeyPaw:
1 you are allergic to eating fat and can no longer eat any fat whatsoever.
2 your body has lost its ability to process nutrients, making you starve to death.
3 you’re banned from every store on earth.
4 only your neck gets 5cm longer.
5 but only in your dreams.
6 you can not feel anything but happiness - no pain, anger, sadness, nothing but joy.
7 and you’re awaiting your trial as you’re a KKK NeoNazi kult leader.
8 you get Alzheimer’s disease.
9 but you cannot access it because the government froze your account due to being investigated in a money laundering scheme.
- Ah yes my favourite trend of monkey paw: removing the fking benefit instead of giving side effects, while making things worse
  
  Oh, right! The monkey paw does it to someone else most of the time, like "you get the money but someone else dies and the money is compensation or inheritance"
  
  It's more like conservation of karma. You get a thing you wanted at a price you weren't prepared to pay.
  Trying to follow those guidelines, I would guess the list would be something more like:
  1: Nothing changes, the only difference is that if you would otherwise put on more body fat than you currently have, the excess fat gets turned to horrible uncontrollable diarrhea that hits with no warning, so now you have to be on a diet for the rest of your life or else you'll shit yourself in public.
  2: Has to spend the rest of your life eating more than you burn as any weight you lose would be permanently lost, which will eventually kill you unless something else kills you first. This is computed by your original weight, so even if you would be fine with 800 calories, you must consume your current maintenance calories every day for the rest of your life. (See: Steven King's Thinner)
  3: You are unable to purchase anything. Every transaction fails. If people do not feed you out of the kindness of their hearts, or failing that, you are unable to barter for goods and services, you will die of hunger and exposure to the elements.
  4: You get 5cm taller. People start telling you how much they liked you the way you were and that they feel lesser about you now that you're taller. The new people you meet often comment on how hot/sexy/great/beautiful you would be if only you were a little bit shorter.
  5: You become super strong but your bones and tendons can't keep up. Using your super strength is pussyfooting with permanent disability.
  6: No, yours is right. "you can not feel anything but happiness - no pain, anger, sadness, nothing but joy" Banger. Spot on. No Notes.
  7: Have many followers would be worse if it was just a cult of people who follow you everywhere you go. The only time you can be alone is in your own home, until they realize they can just break in.
  8: Forget your ex lover but they forget you too. You eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each other
  9: A lot of money but the people you love die. <- This was one of the original monkey's paws, iirc.

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