Losing my shit

I am violent with my life partner. I rage. I don't mean to. He lies to me. Intentionally triggers and gaslights me. Plays dumb; his jedi mind tricks he once called them then gaslit me about that ever since. He lied about having a warrant in order to control me and make me think I was going to get arrested. Lied about having HIV for the same reason. I shouldn't be violent with him but I'm schizoaffective n autistic. I lose my shit. I always apologize; he never has. Some of this is bullshit! And some of it is Karma. He told his father I touched him inappropriately. I thought he was going to tell the cops I molested him, as he made me accept that he was going to. I'm not a violent person naturally. I have freak outs where I am overwhelmed and I become highly dysregulated. I've been hospitalized a lot for it. It drives me nuts he does this, and he continues to do it, under the pretense that it is strengthening my prefrontal cortex. I just want the person who loves me, who I originally met. He's changed; he's using me. I changed; I've grown. It never ends. Something has got to give...