What I'm about to say is really bad, I understand if you view me as a selfish person. I am.

Here's why I think I'm a selfish person. I have really bad intrusive thoughts, I need to speak with a therapist on this, too. If I were given the choice between Choice A) Anything I want/a million dollars but I have to kill my friend(s) or B) My friend(s) stay(s) alive but I don't get what I want, I would probably kill my friend. Especially when pressured. But I'm complex. I value human life, pretty much, or any life in general, and don't want to kill anybody. I would just kill when or if necessary and if I didn't get caught. I still care about my friendships though, so I don't say I'm gonna kill them or go out of my way to harm them or our friendship. I would really prefer to have all my friends as is but I feel like if pressured enough between two choices, I would kill to get what I want. I'm so ashamed of this, I feel SO bad.